April 25, 2006

It seems all I seem to write in here these days is shit about my past, relationships, and the stress of my job. I cried for 2 hours straight yesterday; and I still could not tell you why. Well, I can half-ass explain it. I found out that Josh's new girlfriend is pregnant. I have this overwhelming sense of betrayal, loss, and regret. A part of me wants to be in her shoes, but a bigger part of me remembers what a fuck-up he is. There are so many things I miss from our relationship, but these things are not something that someone else couldn't provide. I can clearly recall three past relationships, after Josh, that I have purposely wrecked in hopes of his coming back. Will he ever come back? I hope not. Do I want him back? Yeah, like I want a gaping hole in my head. I won't deny missing him from time to time, but I've yet to figure out if its him I miss, or the companionship. I am almost one hundred percent positive that it's the companionship. The hardest thing was having to adjust to a brand new apartment, job, and bills all of the sudden with nobody to share it all with: and being with someone so long, and waking up beside that person everyday, and then one day realizing they aren't there. They aren't going to be there. Three years was a big chunk of my life, and everyone knows that you don't get time back. I honestly believe that my biggest regret is the wasted time. I could've done so much, and had so much more if things had turned out differently. If I knew then, what I know now, things would be extremely different. Even after Josh, once I started talking to Shanon, he was the most perfect man I'd ever met. Or so I thought at the time. Compared to Josh, he was a saint. He did and would do anything for me. I, being the commit-a-phobe that I am, blew that. We lost touch and by the time we got back in touch, it was too late for either of us to do anything about it. He's got a baby on the way, with a girl he doesn't like and I'm not going to put myself in a situation thats bound to cause all parties involved, heartache. It's not fair to either one of us for him to be running back and forth between us. I sent him a text message today and told him that I'd leave him alone, and if he ever needed anything that I'd be here for him. This place is way too small for us not to run into each other somewhere down the road. Especially since we have mutual friends. I guess everything will work out in the end and I just need to quit worrying about it. Something has got to give sooner or later. Hopefully, sooner than later.