Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Heart of the Problem

What is it about the primal need to run when you sense trouble heading your way? The fear of not knowing the outcome, or the ridiculous mindset of thinking you can't handle whatever may come. I've heard it said that "If God brings you to it, he'll bring you through it." This may be true, but the real responsibility lies within. If you aren't smart enough to keep yourself out of trouble, then you should be resourceful enough to figure a way out. Most personal troubles are caused by the one with the problem. Sure, people are gonna run their mouth and create as much animosity as they can. You have to be the bigger person. I've had the unfortunate pleasure of knowing a few of these trouble-makers in my day. Some might say I was one myself at one point in time. The good thing about growing a year older each year is that we also grow wiser. Or you're supposed to. You have to learn from past mistakes and make the best out of the life you've created for yourself. Admitting you're the victim of your own circumstance is hard. It's too easy to blame the dog, the kids, the husband, or the crazy ex. I'm guilty of this myself. It's become too easy to blame my unhappiness on others. It's too easy to start and argument in order to create a fast distraction from the real problems at hand. I haven't always been as honest with myself, or others, as I have this past year. I'm brutally honest to the point of some thinking that I'm a horrible person. One person likes to tell me that I need to think of other's feelings before answering whatever question that's been asked of me. I'm sorry, but if you ask me if you look fat in something and you do, I'll tell you so. Why ask if you expect me to lie or spare your feelings? You know damn well you look fat in it. You don't need my input to make yourself feel better. Most people think I have been given an amazing life and should have no complaints. From the outside looking in, this might appear true. Sure, I have an amazing home with no mortgage payment. I have 2 paid off vehicles and 1 beautiful daughter. Money doesn't buy happiness or security. I'd be happier on 10 acres somewhere with cows, chickens, and dogs running loose in front of a home that was built from scratch. My one-time model home in our middle class suburban subdivison is simply by chance. The house was bought by my mother in law and is held in our family trust. In all reality, I am a victim of my own circumstance. I rushed into motherhood and marriage with a man I'd barely known. I passed up two lucrative job offers in favor of being a stay at home mother, and I quit a well-paying job too. I've created this life. My own decisions, whether good or bad, have led me directly to where I'm sitting now. Looking back, I'd change a few of those decisons, but never my choice to become a mother. If life isn't supposed to be about what designer clothes you wear, what type of car you drive, or how much your bank account is holding, then why is it? Why can't it just be simple; family, friends, BBQ's, and children. People drive themselves into debt and unhappiness chasing the "American Dream", but I have those things and it's not any better. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. I got myself into this "dream" and I'll work my way out. It may take months or a couple years, but until I can go to bed at night and know that all I've got is the result of my own hardwork, I won't be happy. Call me a spoiled brat, I call it an honest attempt at creating a good foundation for my daughter.

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