Monday, April 24, 2006

Past Mistakes

Current mood: confused
These past couple of weeks have been a roller coaster of emotion, stress, and tiredness! I just recently got back in touch with an ex of mine, and realized what a huge mistake I made by treating him the way I did, and ending things like I did. I, never in a million years, should have let that one go. He's got a new girlfriend now, whose pregnant, but from what I hear, they aren't doing too well. He's been by my house a couple of times, and we've hung out and things are still the same as they were when we were together. It's like we never were apart. He was at the house last night, and we got to talking about what might've been and what should've been and realized that we both miss each other so incredibly much. He's been thinking about things lately, and realizes he's stuck in between a rock and a really, really hard spot. They don't get along, fight everyday, but she is the boss's he's afraid he'll lose the job he loves more than anything. We've talked about the choices and both agreed that things will be hard for awhile, but if we're both willing (and we are) things will eventually work out. It's just so hard to see him leave my house everynight, when we both know that he belongs with me. Our relationship was perfect when we were together. I was the happiest I've ever been with him, and we have so much fun together. My dumbass decided that I'd pull the whole "I just got out of a 3 year relationship" card (which wasn't a lie, I had) and lost the best thing that has ever happened to me. What in the hell am I supposed to do now?

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

The Biggest Regret

Do you ever find youself wondering what your life would be like if you could turn back time, or maybe just rewind it a little? More and more lately I find myself doing just that. Daydreaming about how I'd be today, if I'd be the same person, how I'd act...stuff like that; if I could rewind my life 2 and a half years, and start all over. Some things in life, I know are not meant to be figured out, nor are they worth the dwelling on, BUT here in the "Land of the Lollipop Guild" where I live, thats just something I do. Even all the sleeping pills, and anti-depressants in the world couldn't stop me from regretting these past couple of years. I guess its just the feeling of failure, or maybe the never-ending "what might've beens" that keep playing through my head all damn day long. I guess I tend to live in the past a little too often, but its because so much of my life is still there. I've learned some valuable lessons, but not one of them came pain free. The hardest damn thing I've ever done, was to watch him get in that truck and leave me standing there, knowing that there was nothing in my power that I could do to make him turn around....even that day; as I watched him pull onto the road ahead, if he was hurting he hadn't showed it yet. I knew nothing was going to make him turn around, but I would've have settled for a slow down, or even just a slight tap on the brakes. I guess it takes losing something or someone that you love, to realize that even the most precious things in life can be gone in an instant. I find myself looking everyday for the slightest signs that he might miss what he left behind. I guess it was never meant to be and I'm just retarded for hanging on so long. It's not like I dwell on it everyday damn waking moment of my life, there are good days and there are not-so good days. Today seems to be one of those not-so good ones; and I need to learn to stop depending on everyone else to make me happy. I need to learn to live and let go, and to stop worrying about "what might've been", or what I can't change. What's done is done....there is nothing left to say, I guess. Maybe I should just take my damn pills and get the hell over it...I'll let you know how that works out!

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

It's Been Awhile

Yes, Yes....I know! It's been a damn long time since I have even thought about writing again. There has been so much going on in the past few months, that I've hardly had time to sleep; much less get on this damn thing. To make a really long story really short....had a good Christmas, got into a fight with the ex's new "thing"; went to court over that...still have to go to court over that; started seeing a psychiatrist because the ex has made me a little more than crazy. I don't sleep for shit, I don't eat for shit, and I have way too much month left at the end of the money. Other than that, we're all bueno in Casa de la Lyons.......Oh yea, and my father continues to prove everyday what a great father he is! (can you feel the sarcasm in that?) His wife is still a whore, and her children too....oh's a picture just in case anyone forgot what I look like.