Thursday, July 27, 2006

The House I Call a Home

From day one, Peter and I have made decisions together, side-by-side, from the start. Just last week we talked about putting tile throughout the entire house, and even picked out which tile we wanted. Today, after a rather disturbing and eye-opening conversation with Clay's teacher, Peter decided to start ripping up the carpet in the back hallway. Did he ask or inform me of his intentions? No. Am I upset about it? A little. I left to go get coffee, and was gone a total of twenty minutes. When I returned, the carpet had been completely ripped up and there is nothing but cement in it's place. Bare floor. That's it. My first thought was, "Oh my god, the kids will be here tomorrow and be walking on these bare, cement floors." I knew why he has all of the sudden decided to do this. He's compensating for not being able to fix his youngest child. Clay has some emotional issues that need to be worked out, and Peter is at a loss as to what to do about them. We've decided to have Clay start seeing a therapist to start working out his anger issues. I know Peter feels like he can't fix Clay, so he has to fix the house. An even trade-off? Not particularly, but it makes him feel better. I know we've both got a long way to go with working out issues among ourselves, our relationship, and our children. Are the children mine biologically? No. Are they mine because I am with their father? Yes. I knew when Peter and I got together, the children were included. I love the kids to death, and I love them like they were mine. I want the best for them, and I don't like not being able to help Clay overcome whatever it is that is bothering him and causing so much anger within him. I know he's only three, and not quite old enough or mature enough to express himself in a healthy, violence free way, but at this point, if we don't do something soon, he is going to be kicked out of daycare. Do I want our three year old being kicked out of a prestigous daycare? No. I feel as if I am torn between the two. On one hand, he isn't my child and maybe I shouldn't be worried about him, but on the other hand, Peter and I make decisions together and Peter asks me daily about what I think. We, as a family, need to help Clay. Clay needs a very stuctured, disciplined enviroment where he can learn, and express himself freely. The answer to that, you ask? Anger management. I am willing to bet my life that Clay is emotionally devastated by Peter and his mother's divorce. He doesn't know how to talk about it, so he resorts to hitting and temper tantrums when he is upset. We'll see how everything turns out. All in all, Clay is a great kid. He's loving, and very smart. Wish me luck.....

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Shhh....The Kids Are Sleeping........

Ok, so now that dinner has been eaten, bubble baths taken, pajamas put on, and two very energetic rugrats have been laid side by side to watch Lemony Snickets: A Series of Unfortunate Events, I find the time now to relay my day to you. Since this morning I've been unpacking boxes, putting my kitchen together (which looks very good), and hanging various pictures and knick-knacks around this 2,987 square foot home of mine. It is all coming together quite well. We decided this afternoon to rip up the carpet in the back of the house and lay tile throughout all of it. Maybe we'll leave the carpet in the kids rooms, not sure yet. I still need to get the curtains picked out and put up in my room and the kitchen needs some curtains hella bad. I'm just so damn worn out already. The kids have to be up early so their Mother can pick them up for church, and after that you can bet your sweet ass I'll be crawling back into bed to enjoy the rest of my lazy kid-free day. I don't hate having the kids here, I love their laughter and running around like a loon in the backyard with them. I hate the sore knee, back, and feet for three days after they are here. The seven-thirty alarm shouldn't be too bad since I've already laid the kids' clothes out, and all I have to do is Ally's hair and Clay's too. Breakfast should be easy enough since cereal is just about the only thing they'll eat that early. Well, it's 9:45 and I need a long, hot bath and my soft bed. Until next time....

The Mothering Side of Me

For those of you that know me, also know that my boyfriend has two kids. Ally and Clay come here on the weekends, and I'm forced to throw on the "adult face" and be another authority figure to them. Now, don't get me wrong, I like doing it. We went outside and played last night in the backyard, and I got all of my frustrations out by throwing a big exercise ball at their heads. Did it hurt them? No. Were they laughing and begging me to keep doing it? Yes. It must have been the funniest thing in the world to all of us, because by the time we got in, my stomach hurt from all the laughing. As soon as we came in, it was bath time. I started their bath water and commenced to chasing them around the house to get them in the tub. Peter just sat back and watched, as he generally does. I really enjoy doing the whole motherly-thing, but by the time Sunday rolls around and the kids are on their way back to their Mother's house, I'm praying for her to show up. Is that wrong? No. They aren't my kids, but I treat them as if they were. I guess I'm just a little too into my "Meghan-time". We got up this morning and Peter decided he was going to take the kids to Denny's, because that is their absolute favorite restaurant. I am going to sit this one out. The kids need some one-on-one Daddy-time, and I was just as content watching t.v., or sitting here typing my latest happenings to all of you. I got up and made sure the kids' clothes matched and put Ally's hair up, and then watched with great joy as the three of them walked out of the door. Yes, alone at last, and the only thing I hear is the hum of my tower and Mr. Big in the background singing about how much he wants to be the next to be with me. Life here in suburban hell couldn't be much sweeter at the moment. The dogs are, for once, being quiet and the cat is content as well sitting on the table beside me. My life, it looks like, has turned into that of a happily-married thirty year old woman. Well, with the hot body of a nineteen year old. Its not that bad, afterall. My Saturday morning has been turned into re-runs of Bill and Mandy on ToonDisney, with the promise of a full marathon of Lilo and Stitch following. The kids have returned from their breakfast with Peter, and Clay, the youngest, has resolved himself to torturing the cat. Excuse me folks, while I, for the millionth time today, remind Clay why it is not nice to pull the cat's tail or try and put her in the the pantry. More from SurburbiaHell later...after the kids have eaten dinner and taken baths, and it's "Meghan-time" all over again.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

April 26, 2006

As I sit here watching on of those sappy-ass-why-me Lifetime movies that we all seem to be stuck on from time to time, I began to wonder what exactly love is. Is love necessarily limited to one man and one woman? Is it limited to one certain race? Does love exsist outside of this planet? Is love ultimately bound by the human race? I've heard of love hurting, and I've experienced enough for all of us, but what exactly is that drive, the need, the want for love? For companionship, the trust that we so desperately seek out from the opposite sex? Time after time we get hurt, yet we pick ourselves up and eventually start searching for the next suitor. Maybe its the never-ending, ever-present need to be needed, want to be wanted, and the hope that someone else out there in this very same spherical world, somebody is searching for the same, exact characteristics in a person. We invest great time and effort into one person when we feel such a person is worthy of that time and energy. We give one hundred percent of ourselves, and our heart, trust and loyalty; in return, we expect the same. When those feelings are returned, that connection is one of the most magical and happiest times in ones life. More often than not, two people hardly ever have that moment and get to share it forever.

April 25, 2006

It seems all I seem to write in here these days is shit about my past, relationships, and the stress of my job. I cried for 2 hours straight yesterday; and I still could not tell you why. Well, I can half-ass explain it. I found out that Josh's new girlfriend is pregnant. I have this overwhelming sense of betrayal, loss, and regret. A part of me wants to be in her shoes, but a bigger part of me remembers what a fuck-up he is. There are so many things I miss from our relationship, but these things are not something that someone else couldn't provide. I can clearly recall three past relationships, after Josh, that I have purposely wrecked in hopes of his coming back. Will he ever come back? I hope not. Do I want him back? Yeah, like I want a gaping hole in my head. I won't deny missing him from time to time, but I've yet to figure out if its him I miss, or the companionship. I am almost one hundred percent positive that it's the companionship. The hardest thing was having to adjust to a brand new apartment, job, and bills all of the sudden with nobody to share it all with: and being with someone so long, and waking up beside that person everyday, and then one day realizing they aren't there. They aren't going to be there. Three years was a big chunk of my life, and everyone knows that you don't get time back. I honestly believe that my biggest regret is the wasted time. I could've done so much, and had so much more if things had turned out differently. If I knew then, what I know now, things would be extremely different. Even after Josh, once I started talking to Shanon, he was the most perfect man I'd ever met. Or so I thought at the time. Compared to Josh, he was a saint. He did and would do anything for me. I, being the commit-a-phobe that I am, blew that. We lost touch and by the time we got back in touch, it was too late for either of us to do anything about it. He's got a baby on the way, with a girl he doesn't like and I'm not going to put myself in a situation thats bound to cause all parties involved, heartache. It's not fair to either one of us for him to be running back and forth between us. I sent him a text message today and told him that I'd leave him alone, and if he ever needed anything that I'd be here for him. This place is way too small for us not to run into each other somewhere down the road. Especially since we have mutual friends. I guess everything will work out in the end and I just need to quit worrying about it. Something has got to give sooner or later. Hopefully, sooner than later.

April 24, 2006

The stress and bullshit from this past week has been unreal. It seems that more and more these days I'm doing more crying than smiling. I'm tired of forcing a smile because crying shows some kind of weakness. I put on some big charade of happiness and stability when in all reality, I'm more broken down than I've ever been. I'm so tired of feeling like shit all thie time. I wanna be back to the "old Meghan", if there is such a thing. I don't want to take a pill for the rest of my life. What can't life be as simple as it was when I was younger? Where did all this stress and bullshit come from?

So Low

I can't stop myself from writing
All these sad poems about you
All I recall is the endless fighting
And the simple things you could not do

Sometimes your memory gets me down
I let myself get upset and blue
I remember your endless nights on the town
And wanting, more than anything, to strangle you

Most days I don't recall
Even the sound of your voice
In my mind I put up a wall
Behind it being my final choice

The choice for you to leave me
To pack your shit and go
Together we just weren't meant to be
You made me feel so low.

Someway, Somehow

The hardest thing I've ever done
The hardest thing I'll ever have to do
Was to realize that you're not the one
And I turned my back on loving you

The way you walked out of my door
The tears falling off my face
Made me realize what love is for
And someone would one day take your place

The silence of my house at night
The unsure step of my heart
Someday I'll get this love thing right
Somehow we'll never be apart

The passion in our kisses
The sweetness in your voice
That's what this girl misses
But your leaving was my choice

The cold and empty stare
The silence of my phone
I realize you're no longer there
I chose to be left all alone.

The Philosophical Side of Me

Frome the day we are born we strive, and search for love. The meaning, the value, and the worth. Perhaps love is the most mysterious feeling and emotion that corses through our entire being. The more we try to figure love out, the more we get lost in its mystery. Some people search their entire lives for one special person to share the rest of their life with. In most instances, only a "filler" will do. A filler is someone we care for, and would do most anything for, but settle for in hopes of finding someone better. "I love you," has become the most tossed around phrase in the world. Hearing those three little words can someone the happiest they have ever been. They feel as if they can do anything, knowing that they have the love and support of another human being. True love is the most wanted and sought after emotion in this entire human race. The companionship, the stability, the truth of it all. I sit here trying my hardest to explain the meaning of love, yet I find myself at a loss for words. I have experienced, many times, the loss of love from someone I cared deeply about. The one person in this world that I would do anything for, other than my family, I kicked out a year and two months ago. Am I still dealing with this? Yes. Did he cause more hurt than love? Yes. Did he piss me off so much I ran his head through the wall? Yes. Was it the hardest thing I'd ever done, kicking him out of the house we shared for so long? I don't know. A year ago if you would have asked me these questions, all I would've said was, "I want him back. I want us back." Today, a year of healing and answered questions later, I can say, honestly, I don't want him back. I know while we were together it was fun, it was fast and it was a hell of a way to learn about love. These days, we've gone our seperate way, and I'm thankful to him for those years of learning, and mistakes. Would I have done some things differenty? Yes. I can't sit here and say that I wouldn't never gotten with him, because he taught me a lot about myself, himself, and us. We learned from some pretty stupid mistakes and lost some dear friends along the way. I never want to go through that again. But, today I know I am stronger for having to go through it, and experience all that I've done. A good friend of mine, once said, "Sister, you're almost twenty years old and been through more than I have at 43." Yes, I have. I've seen things most adults have never seen. Other than your average mortuary worker, or paramedic. To an average everyday adult, I've seen more. Am I bragging? No. I never, for the rest of my life, want to go back and re-live those three years with Josh. They were the hardest and most trying times, I'd seen at that point. Will I go through more? Hell yeah. I'm way too wise for my age, and if I had it to do all over again, I'd go back and just be a kid again. I had to grow up way too fast, and be and adult way too early. Do I blame my parents? Not entirely. I'm thankful for their lessons, and teaching me to adapt to grown up situations. At nineteen, I've probably made more life altering decisions than most nineteen year olds. I've made more money than any nineteen year old I know. I've made some pretty stupid decision on my own, and caused a lot of people, irrepairable hurt. Would I change that? No. We are who we are today, from the people we've encountered in the past, and the situations we've learned to deal with. I hate being nineteen, and feeling like I'm thirty. But, at this point I wouldn't have it any other way. I've got someone that loves me more than words can say, and I'm thankful for that each and everyday. Together, we haven't been through a lot, but I know we will. I know we'll come out of it stronger together, than when we went into it. It's kind of nice to know I can depend on him to be the person I need him to be. I no longer have to think for another human being, and make decisions for someone else. Now the only decision I have to make is what to cook for dinner, and what to wear. Last week, I watched my home burn down. That is something most will never see. That is something you're never supposed to do. That is something that you only see on t.v. right? That's what I thought, too. Some little girl decided to light some paper on fire and throw it on the mattress. By the time she woke her parents up, there was only enough time to get everyone out of the house, and wake the neighbors up. As we stood, all of us speechless, and watched our hardwork, belongings, and lives go up in flames, the only thing we could do was cry. The firemen showed up, put the fire out, and walked us each through what was left of our lives. Thankfully, nobody was hurt. A life is something you can't replace. Pictures, furniture, and clothes are. Have I gotten everything replaced? No. Will I? Sure, in time. I was already in the process of moving anyway, and most of my stuff was either boxed up or already moved. I lost my furniture and other personal things, but I have my life. I have a great boyfriend, a beautiful home, and two adorable step-kids. ( I guess you could call them) They are his kids, but since we are together, they might as well be mine too. I'm thankful for the chance to be apart of all of their lives, and Peter never misses a chance to tell me how much he loves me, and how lucky he is to have me in his life. I guess this is what I've been waiting on, or searching for rather. Maybe miracles do happen, and dreams do come true. It just takes a series of unfortunate events, to create the beginning of a worthwhile journey. So, next time what seems to be a series of unfortunate events, look closely, it might just be the beginning of a beautiful adventure and the beginning of another chapter in your life.

These Blues

Excuses for the answers that you lack
Leaving me barely hanging on
Are you never coming back?
You can't be really gone

Tears on the pillow make me lonely
Rain pours down outside
I see me leaving you slowly
Emotions I can no longer hide

The way we'll never be
Kills me seeing you around
I know you don't deserve me
But I'm searching for answers unfound

His memory keeps on keeping me awake
For the life of me, I don't understand
Why I still feel my heart break
Everytime he takes my hand

This empty house feels so cold
As I search for hidden clues
I need something of yours to hold
Something to help me shake these blues.

Smile, Eventhough Your Heart is Breaking

The pleading of a heart
The passing of a car
I remember why we're apart
And why you are the way you are

A truck that looks like yours
Something clicks in my head
As I walk through my front door
I'm suddenly filled with dread

The constant screaming match
Phones slammed into walls
Just like an itch I can't scratch
I feel tossed aside like a ragdoll

We all drink to forget
Some of us more that most
When the reality of life sets in
And the fires of hell feel too close

Wanting someone to listen more than anything
Needing a reassuring touch
Scream out loud, someone's listening
Eventhough it doesn't seem like much

Feeling at your wits end
Just wanting to sleep
Some people just don't blend
It's not a reason to weep

Pick your head up and smile
Tomorrow is full of promise
Everything is worthwhile
Even if it's not full of bliss.

Turn To

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the lights are all red up ahead
A million things I need to say
A million things I should've said

Slowly moving inches forward
My foot tapping on the brakes
I need to be reassured
I've had all that I can take

Pleading with God above
Please send me some relief
When push comes to shove
It all comes down to belief

The loss of a loved one
We see our breaking point clearly
But look closely at what's been done
It's not about loving someone dearly

It's about an unexplainable power
Miracles that do come true
When you're in your darkest hour
Who do you usually turn to?

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

The Logical Side of Me

Often, our most trying times come at our darkest hours. The times when we feel we can't go on, we feel as if all is lost and the world has turned its back on us. More often, if we would just turn around and look, it is us that has turned our back on the world. At an early age, we learn to supress emotions, memories, and most often, our own thoughts, needs, and wants for the sake of other beings . Why help yourself when there are others who need our help? Right? WRONG! For one to fully help, guide, or teach another, we have to completely understand our own mind, needs, thoughts, and wants. Bottling up emotions will only lead to greater, more complex problems. The need and want to help others less fortunate, for lack of better term, is basic instinct. As children we strive to please our parents, as adolescents we feel the need to please peers and teaches, as adults, the needs and wants become more of a challenge; ranging from pressures at home, to being the best at our careers, and finally, achieving our life-long goals and ambitions. The greatest need that will never fade is that of love. Most of us are born into loving, caring families, while others search for years before finding it. On a recent shopping spree with my three year old god-daughter, she asked me the most complex question I have ever heard come out of a child's mouth. She looked up from the shopping cart, with those big, blue eyes that I live for, and asked; "Aunt Meggie, if you had one wish in the world, what would it be?" First off, my god-daughter is the ONLY, I repeat, ONLY human being on the face of this earth allowed to call me Meggie. Now, as I thought about my answer, she began to ramble on about Dora pajamas, Spongebob backpacks, and other great things to a three year old. I, on the other hand, was mentally asking myself that same question over and over again. Ashlyne, annoyed with my lapse in answering her question, began to repeat, rather loudly: "So, whaddya wish for?", as if I had just blown out the candles on a birthday cake. I began to answer, stopped myself because I realized I was conversing with a three year old child, and rephrased my answer, so hopefully her young mind would be able to understand the wish I had. "Punkin," I said, using the nick-name she received at birth, "if I had one wish in the world, I'd wish for never-ending, make your knees weak, would die without it, love." As she stared back at me, like I was an alien from some other planet, she just smiled and started that laugh of hers that I absolutely adore. Me, feeling like an idiot for giving such a simple mind, such a complicated answer, I poked her in the belly and asked, "Whats so funny, honey?" She looked up at me, this time acknowledging me as the Aunt Meggie she knows and loves, her eyes still dancing with laughter, and said "I thought you were going to say, all the chick-chick fries in the world." Chick-chick fries, for those of you wondering, are Ashlyne's name for chicken nuggets and french fries. Now, grant it I do love me some chick chick fries, I guess I was being way too philosophical for her young mind. Ok, back from memory lane now, and to the real reason I am writing this. The love of another is equal to, let's say Buzzlightyear's famous line, "To infinity and beyond", our parents love is in a completely different, deeper, ever-lasting, non-sexual way. Well, some parents don't always abide by the "non-sexual" aspect, but that's a whole different topic and one I won't touch. I guess what all this is coming down to, is that once you find that love you can't live without, don't let it go. Cherish it, and thank God that you've found it. Most of the time, it only happens once.