Wednesday, December 13, 2006
the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play.
Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes
in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of
yours together Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the
telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the
backyard and blow bubbles.
Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once,
not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the
ice cream truck and I will buy you one if he comes by.
Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about
what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess
every decision I have made where you are concerned.
Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me
bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.
Just for this afternoon, I will take us to
McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.
Just for this evening, I will hold you in my
arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I
love you. Just for this evening, I will let you splash in
the tub and not get angry.
Just for this evening, I will let you stay up
late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.
Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside
you for hours, and miss my favorite TV shows.
Just for this evening when I run my finger
through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God
has given me the greatest gift ever given.
I will think about the mothers And fathers who
are searching for their missing children, the mothers and
fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of
their bedroom and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms
watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming
inside that they can't handle it anymore.
And when I kiss you good night I will hold you
a little tighter,
a ittle longer. It is then, that I will thank
God for you, and ask Him for nothing, except one more
Sunday, September 17, 2006
So, here I am last night checking Myspace (No honey, I'm not addicted) when I noticed a bulletin that another friend had posted. I clicked on it and it was for an Amber Alert about a 7 day old baby girl that had been abducted from the hospital by a "nurse". I clicked on the link following the picture and in a matter of seconds was redirected to the website for Missing and Exploited Children. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am in love with all children. Children are like a magnet to me and I love being around them. I got curious as to just how many children were missing from in and around my part of Houston and came across millions of flyers, websites, advertisements and other links for missing children. Some, just as young as the little baby girl that had started my curious little mind wandering. So, in effort to ease my mind and emotions, I did the only possible thing I could do to help these parents and these organizations, I clicked the "Contribute Here" button and made a hefty little donation. The Center for Missing and Exploited Children helps find missing children and return them safely to their parents everyday with the help of other individuals, just like myself, whose curiousity is turned on by a simple bulletin on another website not even directly connected with them. Now, I know we can't just pack up and head out on a child huntin' spree, but we can contribute to these wonderful organizations that have the man-power and the resources to do just that. At the bottom of this post is a link to the same organization that I contributed to, and I ask all of you with children to do the same. I know we all have bills to pay and our own children to feed, clothe, and support, but ask yourself "What if my child was missing?" I know you would want the same support that this organization offers. So, even if it's just one dollar or five, it's the little things that count! God bless the children that have been ripped from their families and help return them home safe.
Here is the link that I was talking about, just click it and I'll leave the rest to you!
Friday, August 11, 2006
Saturday, August 05, 2006
For the most part life around the Lance residence has been quite uneventful. With the exception of the ever-present ex-wife, that is. I'm glad we only have to deal with her on the weekends, and for the most part, she's OK. Now, don't get me wrong, she's not my best friend by any means, but I do have to play the happy little step-mommy role until the day comes when we have full custody of the kids and I can slam my door in her face. I must say Friday was a very stressful and eventful day. For all you parents out there, you know that the last week of July means summer is over, and it's time to get your butt in gear with school registrations, school supply-gettin', and the wonderful task of shopping for new clothes. I've considered myself lucky up until this point, because I didn't have to do any of that. Now, as my role of happy "house-wife" and "step-mommy dearest" seem to be increasing everyday, I find myself browsing our local Kohl's for good deals and clothes the kids won't easily wear out. I'm a master now of dodging other shoppers, finding great deals, and just barely getting to the check -out line before that lady with 6 kids in tow, 3 shopping carts, and an attitude from hell slips in and wants to know "How long is this sale going on?", as the poor under-paid teen checking her out rolls her eyes, pops her gum loudly, and proclaims "I don't know, I just work here." I know I am only 19 myself, 20 within a few short weeks, but I have the maturity level of a 30 year old. Don't believe me? Ask my Mommy. Either way, as long as the kids are happy, I don't have to shop anymore, and Grama will pick up the rest, I'm happy. So, here's a picture of the two little gremlins, and I hope they are having lots of fun with their Daddy in Minnesota.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
From day one, Peter and I have made decisions together, side-by-side, from the start. Just last week we talked about putting tile throughout the entire house, and even picked out which tile we wanted. Today, after a rather disturbing and eye-opening conversation with Clay's teacher, Peter decided to start ripping up the carpet in the back hallway. Did he ask or inform me of his intentions? No. Am I upset about it? A little. I left to go get coffee, and was gone a total of twenty minutes. When I returned, the carpet had been completely ripped up and there is nothing but cement in it's place. Bare floor. That's it. My first thought was, "Oh my god, the kids will be here tomorrow and be walking on these bare, cement floors." I knew why he has all of the sudden decided to do this. He's compensating for not being able to fix his youngest child. Clay has some emotional issues that need to be worked out, and Peter is at a loss as to what to do about them. We've decided to have Clay start seeing a therapist to start working out his anger issues. I know Peter feels like he can't fix Clay, so he has to fix the house. An even trade-off? Not particularly, but it makes him feel better. I know we've both got a long way to go with working out issues among ourselves, our relationship, and our children. Are the children mine biologically? No. Are they mine because I am with their father? Yes. I knew when Peter and I got together, the children were included. I love the kids to death, and I love them like they were mine. I want the best for them, and I don't like not being able to help Clay overcome whatever it is that is bothering him and causing so much anger within him. I know he's only three, and not quite old enough or mature enough to express himself in a healthy, violence free way, but at this point, if we don't do something soon, he is going to be kicked out of daycare. Do I want our three year old being kicked out of a prestigous daycare? No. I feel as if I am torn between the two. On one hand, he isn't my child and maybe I shouldn't be worried about him, but on the other hand, Peter and I make decisions together and Peter asks me daily about what I think. We, as a family, need to help Clay. Clay needs a very stuctured, disciplined enviroment where he can learn, and express himself freely. The answer to that, you ask? Anger management. I am willing to bet my life that Clay is emotionally devastated by Peter and his mother's divorce. He doesn't know how to talk about it, so he resorts to hitting and temper tantrums when he is upset. We'll see how everything turns out. All in all, Clay is a great kid. He's loving, and very smart. Wish me luck.....
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Ok, so now that dinner has been eaten, bubble baths taken, pajamas put on, and two very energetic rugrats have been laid side by side to watch Lemony Snickets: A Series of Unfortunate Events, I find the time now to relay my day to you. Since this morning I've been unpacking boxes, putting my kitchen together (which looks very good), and hanging various pictures and knick-knacks around this 2,987 square foot home of mine. It is all coming together quite well. We decided this afternoon to rip up the carpet in the back of the house and lay tile throughout all of it. Maybe we'll leave the carpet in the kids rooms, not sure yet. I still need to get the curtains picked out and put up in my room and the kitchen needs some curtains hella bad. I'm just so damn worn out already. The kids have to be up early so their Mother can pick them up for church, and after that you can bet your sweet ass I'll be crawling back into bed to enjoy the rest of my lazy kid-free day. I don't hate having the kids here, I love their laughter and running around like a loon in the backyard with them. I hate the sore knee, back, and feet for three days after they are here. The seven-thirty alarm shouldn't be too bad since I've already laid the kids' clothes out, and all I have to do is Ally's hair and Clay's too. Breakfast should be easy enough since cereal is just about the only thing they'll eat that early. Well, it's 9:45 and I need a long, hot bath and my soft bed. Until next time....
Thursday, July 20, 2006
All these sad poems about you
All I recall is the endless fighting
And the simple things you could not do
Sometimes your memory gets me down
I let myself get upset and blue
I remember your endless nights on the town
And wanting, more than anything, to strangle you
Most days I don't recall
Even the sound of your voice
In my mind I put up a wall
Behind it being my final choice
The choice for you to leave me
To pack your shit and go
Together we just weren't meant to be
You made me feel so low.
The hardest thing I'll ever have to do
Was to realize that you're not the one
And I turned my back on loving you
The way you walked out of my door
The tears falling off my face
Made me realize what love is for
And someone would one day take your place
The silence of my house at night
The unsure step of my heart
Someday I'll get this love thing right
Somehow we'll never be apart
The passion in our kisses
The sweetness in your voice
That's what this girl misses
But your leaving was my choice
The cold and empty stare
The silence of my phone
I realize you're no longer there
I chose to be left all alone.
Leaving me barely hanging on
Are you never coming back?
You can't be really gone
Tears on the pillow make me lonely
Rain pours down outside
I see me leaving you slowly
Emotions I can no longer hide
The way we'll never be
Kills me seeing you around
I know you don't deserve me
But I'm searching for answers unfound
His memory keeps on keeping me awake
For the life of me, I don't understand
Why I still feel my heart break
Everytime he takes my hand
This empty house feels so cold
As I search for hidden clues
I need something of yours to hold
Something to help me shake these blues.
The passing of a car
I remember why we're apart
And why you are the way you are
A truck that looks like yours
Something clicks in my head
As I walk through my front door
I'm suddenly filled with dread
The constant screaming match
Phones slammed into walls
Just like an itch I can't scratch
I feel tossed aside like a ragdoll
We all drink to forget
Some of us more that most
When the reality of life sets in
And the fires of hell feel too close
Wanting someone to listen more than anything
Needing a reassuring touch
Scream out loud, someone's listening
Eventhough it doesn't seem like much
Feeling at your wits end
Just wanting to sleep
Some people just don't blend
It's not a reason to weep
Pick your head up and smile
Tomorrow is full of promise
Everything is worthwhile
Even if it's not full of bliss.
And the lights are all red up ahead
A million things I need to say
A million things I should've said
Slowly moving inches forward
My foot tapping on the brakes
I need to be reassured
I've had all that I can take
Pleading with God above
Please send me some relief
When push comes to shove
It all comes down to belief
The loss of a loved one
We see our breaking point clearly
But look closely at what's been done
It's not about loving someone dearly
It's about an unexplainable power
Miracles that do come true
When you're in your darkest hour
Who do you usually turn to?
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Monday, May 15, 2006
Once again, I know its been awhile since I wrote, but I do keep another blog www.myspace.com/meghanel for those of you who used to read it. These past couple of weeks have actually been pretty laid back, and enjoyable. Shanon and I have had numerous talks about our relationship, and things are working out nicely. Robert and I quit talking about 2 weeks ago, and I can't say that I'm too broken up about it. I mean, we hardly ever saw each other, we only talked on the phone once or twice a week, and if he was at my house, he was asleep by 8:00p.m. cause he had to work the next morning. So, I'm not too worried about him. Its not like I'm losing 2 and a half years of my life again. I'm actually pretty relieved about all of it. We're still friends and he called yesterday, but other than that we're cool. Shanon and I have been spending a lot of time together, and we're going camping for July 4th weekend, and we've even talked about getting a place together. Tyler Haney is coming down in two weeks, and I haven't seen him in like 3 years! He moved to Arkansas a long time ago, and we just recently started talking again. My attitude has improved somewhat, and the moodiness isn't so bad. There's the update, I'm done. Oh, today is the ex's 22nd birthday...so HAPPY BIRTHDAY FUCK STICK! Hope your day is filled with herpes, aids, and your son never finding out what a shitty person you are! love ya hun...kisses!
Monday, April 24, 2006
These past couple of weeks have been a roller coaster of emotion, stress, and tiredness! I just recently got back in touch with an ex of mine, and realized what a huge mistake I made by treating him the way I did, and ending things like I did. I, never in a million years, should have let that one go. He's got a new girlfriend now, whose pregnant, but from what I hear, they aren't doing too well. He's been by my house a couple of times, and we've hung out and things are still the same as they were when we were together. It's like we never were apart. He was at the house last night, and we got to talking about what might've been and what should've been and realized that we both miss each other so incredibly much. He's been thinking about things lately, and realizes he's stuck in between a rock and a really, really hard spot. They don't get along, fight everyday, but she is the boss's daughter....so he's afraid he'll lose the job he loves more than anything. We've talked about the choices and both agreed that things will be hard for awhile, but if we're both willing (and we are) things will eventually work out. It's just so hard to see him leave my house everynight, when we both know that he belongs with me. Our relationship was perfect when we were together. I was the happiest I've ever been with him, and we have so much fun together. My dumbass decided that I'd pull the whole "I just got out of a 3 year relationship" card (which wasn't a lie, I had) and lost the best thing that has ever happened to me. What in the hell am I supposed to do now?
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Do you ever find youself wondering what your life would be like if you could turn back time, or maybe just rewind it a little? More and more lately I find myself doing just that. Daydreaming about how I'd be today, if I'd be the same person, how I'd act...stuff like that; if I could rewind my life 2 and a half years, and start all over. Some things in life, I know are not meant to be figured out, nor are they worth the dwelling on, BUT here in the "Land of the Lollipop Guild" where I live, thats just something I do. Even all the sleeping pills, and anti-depressants in the world couldn't stop me from regretting these past couple of years. I guess its just the feeling of failure, or maybe the never-ending "what might've beens" that keep playing through my head all damn day long. I guess I tend to live in the past a little too often, but its because so much of my life is still there. I've learned some valuable lessons, but not one of them came pain free. The hardest damn thing I've ever done, was to watch him get in that truck and leave me standing there, knowing that there was nothing in my power that I could do to make him turn around....even that day; as I watched him pull onto the road ahead, if he was hurting he hadn't showed it yet. I knew nothing was going to make him turn around, but I would've have settled for a slow down, or even just a slight tap on the brakes. I guess it takes losing something or someone that you love, to realize that even the most precious things in life can be gone in an instant. I find myself looking everyday for the slightest signs that he might miss what he left behind. I guess it was never meant to be and I'm just retarded for hanging on so long. It's not like I dwell on it everyday damn waking moment of my life, there are good days and there are not-so good days. Today seems to be one of those not-so good ones; and I need to learn to stop depending on everyone else to make me happy. I need to learn to live and let go, and to stop worrying about "what might've been", or what I can't change. What's done is done....there is nothing left to say, I guess. Maybe I should just take my damn pills and get the hell over it...I'll let you know how that works out!
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Yes, Yes....I know! It's been a damn long time since I have even thought about writing again. There has been so much going on in the past few months, that I've hardly had time to sleep; much less get on this damn thing. To make a really long story really short....had a good Christmas, got into a fight with the ex's new "thing"; went to court over that...still have to go to court over that; started seeing a psychiatrist because the ex has made me a little more than crazy. I don't sleep for shit, I don't eat for shit, and I have way too much month left at the end of the money. Other than that, we're all bueno in Casa de la Lyons.......Oh yea, and my father continues to prove everyday what a great father he is! (can you feel the sarcasm in that?) His wife is still a whore, and her children too....oh yea.....here's a picture just in case anyone forgot what I look like.