Tuesday, September 27, 2005

It's Official

I should have never gotten out of bed this morning. Coming back from a couple days off is hard already, but throw in more bullshit at work, a hugh headache, and problems with my house, and the cake just builds itself. My cake right now is looking like a 4 tier wedding cake at some fancy wedding. Everything has been thrown at me at once. I feel like I'm running in circles. Bills, apartment, work, car, and to top it all off my birthday is in 2 days. It never fails, the year runs smoothly up until September 29th, and then shit fails apart. I've got more work to do than a one armed man in a craft building contest........therefore......I shall return to work

Monday, September 19, 2005

The Long Goodbye

I know they say if you love somebody you should set them free but it sure is hard to do, sure is hard to doI know they say if it don't come back again then it's meant to be. Those words don't pull me through cause I'm still in love with you I spend each day here waitin' for a miracle But it's just you and me goin' through the mill climbin' up a hill
This is the long goodbye somebody tell me why,two lovers in love can't make it,just what kinda love keeps breakin' a heart no matter how hard you try, You'll always make me cry, come on baby, it's over...let's face it all that's happenin' here is a long goodbye
sometimes I ask my heart did we really give our love a chance but I know without a doubt, we turned it inside outand if we walked away would it make more sense but it tears me up inside, just to think we still could try how long must we keep runnin' on a carousel goin' round and round and never gettin' anywhere on a wing and prayer

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Over and Over Again

And Past said he'd never call me again.....WRONG! I spoke to him a week ago yesterday, and he informed me that we'd never talk to each other again. He's a liar. He called last night starting about 8:00 and didn't quit until 11:00! He called me 26 times over a period of one hour. He kept repeating the same shit about how we're not talking anymore, he doesn't want to see me, he hates me. You know the usual. Well, for someone that hates me, he sure calls an awful lot. Here's how the last conversation went; keep in mind this was the 26th time he had called in 1 hour...
(phone rings......)
Me: "What do you want now, jackass?"
Past:"I just wanted you to know that this is the LAST time I will call you, e-mail you, see you, anything. I'm done. We need to agree to go our seperate ways and let it at that."
Me:"We don't have to agree to shit, if thats what you want, then do it. Your not bothering me. Your just pissing me off because I'm trying to drink a beer and you keep interrupting it."
Past:"Why couldn't you drink when I was with you."
Me:"I didn't have time. I was too busy worried about you overdosing or starting shit with someone else."
Past:"That's true."
Me:"I thought you weren't talking to me anymore."
Past:"Do you want me to hang up?"
Me:"Who am I to stop you? You quit caring what I wanted a long time ago." You can't handle the fact that I finally got smart enough to see that we'll never work out and your grasping at straws and trying to get me to tell you that I love you and want you back. You'd be better off to keep grasping because I'm not saying it. You in no way affect my life anymore. You're dead to me."
I don't hate you, because you can't hate someone thats dead."
Past:"Fine, do what you want."
Me:"I do."
Past:"Goodbye Meghan, have a good night and a happy birthday."
Me:"Don't worry about my night or my birthday."
Past:"I don't want to see you in my dreams, I don't want to miss you, I don't want to think about you. Nothing, we're done."
Me:"I have no control over those things. If thats what you want, then find something to occupy your mind so your not thinking of me." I did, and it works. I haven't thought about you in weeks, until you called now and pissed me off. Now all I can think about is different ways to kill you and get away with it."
Past:"Your awful and evil."
Me:"I am what you made me. You gave me every reason to hate you and to not see you ever again." I want you to hang up the phone and forget that I ever existed in your sorry life."
Past:"My life wasn't sorry when you were in it....."
Me:"Chaulk it up to lessons learned. You made your bed, now die in it."
Past:"(laughing) Your such an evil bitch!"
Me:"GOODBYE PAST"
Past:"Shouldn't you be calling me Future?"
Me:"haha you wish mother fucker".........click
*-*He waits about 2 minutes and calls back, I picked up the phone and told him to fuck off and then hung up again. I then turned my phone off, and when I turned it on this morning, had 15 voicemails. The same shit; he hates me, he doesn't want to see me, why am I not answering the phone; I should go to hell; blah blah blah
Thats true love right there people. I have now seen it all. If you can hate someone with so much passion and have the same amount of love for them, thats TRUE LOVE. I don't love him as much as I thought I did, and it gets easier everyday to not think of him or want to see him. HE is jealous because I moved on and now he knows that things will never be the same. Like I told him before; he chose to do the things he did and now he can deal with it.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Best Advice Is Always Free

It is a torture to have an attachment to an impossiblity...because love is never enough...especially in a relationship that brings out the worst in us, because such relationships don't improve over time...just the opposite. Yeah, it is supremely frustrating to put your life on hold for the possiblity that things just might turn out the way we wish them to turn out...and in the meantime, we dismiss other possiblities which are just as real. Love and fear are the two things that make us do what we do, to take the chances that we take, but yeah, if only we could know what exactly the future holds...it would be so much easier...yes? But seldom is the "future of our fears greater than the future of our reality".

-this came straight from a friend here at work, if he only knew how right he was, or how much I appreciated the advice! Thanks Tom, you truly are the greatest, and probably the only man on the face of this earth that I can honestly stand to look at right now......
-the kitty in the cap-

Goodbye Time......

I had dinner with Past last night, and from the beginning, it was good. We talked and ate a little and then went back to his Mom's house. But, it never fails, when its time to say goodbye I cry. Its like clock work. Never fails. He asked why I was crying and I told him it was because I finally realized that things will never change. No matter what he says or how many times he tells me he loves me, I will continue to live on my own and he will continue to be the life-sucking leach he is. I knew from the first day he told me that he had "met" someone, that he was never coming back. I cried so hard and so long that day, I felt like a train had hit me. With time, these things have become easier. I'm not feeling as strong as I thought I was, and I'm not sure I'll ever be completely OK with things now. He called after I left and we got into it because I told him about Preston. Preston is the guy I've been talking to on and off since me and Past split up. Past flipped the fuck out, and got really ugly really fast. I told him that I didn't feel bad about Preston and he shouldn't be so damn jealous. Here goes the rest:
Past: "I can't believe that your just now telling me that you've been talking to someone."
Me: "Its really none of your damn business, you've had a girlfriend since two weeks after we broke up, and god knows that you damn sure didn't tell me."
Past: " Bullshit Meghan, you knew good and god damn well that I had a girlfriend, and if you say that you didn't, your lying."
Me: "I don't lie Past, I just don't tell the truth."
Past"What the hell did you just call me?"
Me: "Past, I called you Past, that is what you are and that is what you'll remain."
Past: "What makes you think that? Did I ever say that?"
Me: "You didn't have to say it Past, I KNOW that." "If you ever had any intentions of actually coming back and working this out, you would have done it a long time ago." "I refuse to keep holding myself back and living in "what might have beens" and drowning myself in memories because you want to have your cake and eat it too."
Past:" I told you things would work out in the long run...."
Me:" Well, its been long and I'm tired of running...."
Past:" Will you quit being a smart ass?" "Please....
Me:"No, I refuse to do what you ask of me anymore. You don't do a damn thing I ask of you, and you refuse to accept that fact that your a jack ass and a shitty father...."
(yes, I really told him that...this is where he gets VERY ANGRY and yells REALLY LOUD)
Past:"I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING I FUCKING HAD TO GIVE AND ALL YOU DID WAS BITCH AND COMPLAIN ABOUT IT. I'M TIRED OF YOU MAKING ME FEEL LIKE AN ASSHOLE AND MAKING ME BELIEVE THAT I CONTINUE TO TREAT YOU LIKE SHIT AND PUT YOU THROUGH HELL!
Me:"You do put me through hell......"
Past:"DAMNIT MEGHAN, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LET THINGS WORK OUT? I PROMISED YOU THAT THEY WOULD AND YOU CAN'T SEE THAT, I'M DOING EVERYTHING I CAN"
Me: "Quit yelling at me fucker"
Past: "Fine, I'll quit yelling, but you need to stop crying. I'm trying as hard as I can to do everything that you asked of me, I honestly am."
Me" I didn't ask anything of you. Your the one with empty promises and bullshit excuses for the way things have to be."
Past: "Well, the way I see it, if you feel better enough to talk to Preston, then your apparently better enough to have a relationship with him."
Me:"I'm glad you think you know whats best for me, but then again, you always did, didn't you?"
Past:"I do love you, Penguin."
Me:"I'M NOT A PENGUIN YOU LYING SACK OF SHIT, I'M TIRED OF PLAYING YOUR GAMES, I'M TIRED OF WAITING ON YOU, I'M TIRED OF PUTTING MY LIFE ON HOLD BECAUSE YOU MIGHT DECIDE TO COME BACK ONE DAY...FUCK THAT AND FUCK YOU. YOU AND YOUR DRUG-HEAD WHITE TRASH BIMBO SLUT OF A GIRLFRIEND CAN GO FUCK YOURSELVES. I HATE YOU AND I MEAN IT. DON'T CALL ME BACK AND DON'T CALL ME AT WORK, I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SHIT. I AM IN NO WAY WRONG FOR DOING THE EXACT SAME CORNBREAD FUCKED THING YOU HAVE DONE SINCE I KICKED YOUR LAZY ASS OUT. I WAS STUPID FOR BELIEVING ANYTHING YOU SAID, AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF I LET YOU BOTHER ME OR DISRUPT MY LIFE ANY LONGER. I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO MY MOTHER WHEN SHE TOLD ME YOU WERE A PIECE OF SHIT!!"
Past:"Do you feel better yet?"
Me: "Will you shut the fuck up? Do you not understand how brutally honest I am being. I know that honesty is something you never learned and wouldn't know if it kicked you in the ass, but I believe in it."
Past:"Your so cute when your mad. I know you hate me, but whatever you say, I'll still be here and you'll still love me."
Me:"FUCK OFF JACKASS! LISTEN TO ME AND DO IT VERY CARFULLY, IF YOU EVER, AND I MEAN EVER LOVED ME HALF AS MUCH AS YOU CLAIMED TO: DON'T CALL ME, DON'T COME TO MY HOUSE, DON'T E-MAIL ME AND DAMN SURE DON'T SHOW UP WHEREVE I MAY BE. I USED TO THINK I LOVED YOU, BUT NOW I KNOW FOR SURE THAT YOUR A PIECE OF SHIT AND I DON'T BLAME YOUR MOTHER FOR LEAVING YOUR ASS WHEN YOU WERE 4.
Past: "That was really fucked up, Meghan." I can't believe you just said that. My mother has nothing to do with whats going on with us.
Me:"Yes Past, she does. She has everything to do with it. She's got you so fucked up in the head that you don't know your ass from a hole in the ground. She's the reason you latch on to every woman that will look at you, and she's the reason you can't let go or move on. She has fucked you up beyond repair and I feel sorry for any woman that has to come in contact with you. You will never be able to have a steady relationship, hold a steady job, or take care of your son." You can't say a damn thing about Marquita leaving Brenton, because you did the same damn thing. Yea, you may know where he is, and half ass pretend to care about him, but Brenton would be better off as far away from you as possible, so you don't fuck him up too." I hope like hell you signed the papers for your mother, so you'll never have a chance in hell, in fucking him up too."
Past:"Why do you have to be so damn blunt and rude all the time?"
Me:Quit talking to me like theres not a damn thing wrong! I HATE YOU for what you've done to me, and I HATE YOU for even having to chance to breath still."
Past:"Is this truly what you want? Do you want me to stop all contact?"
Me:"Yes, get the hell out of my life, get out of my head, get out of my heart(start the non-stop crying and sniffling) just stay the hell away from me. If I could have the pleasure of never seeing your ugly mug again, I would enjoy it for the rest of my life."
Past:"Then why are you crying if you hate me so much?"
Me:"Because you have me THAT pissed of and I can't legally put a bullet in your head and save the rest of humanity."
Past:"Hang up the phone then, if its that bad."
Me:"Fine, but remember, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.!"
Past:"Ok Penguin, I'll stay away if thats what will make u happy, because thats all I ever wanted for you. Happiness."
Me:"If I shot you it would give me great pleasure." "Quit calling me a fucking penguin!"
Past:"Sorry Pen.. I mean Meghan."
Me:"Goodbye Josh."
Past:"I love you."
Me:"Nope, love ain't got shit to with it, you don't know what love is."
Past:"I miss you."
Me:"I hope you miss me everytime you look at that piece of shit ugly girlfriend you have."
Past:"I do."
Me:"Bye Josh......"
Past:"Bye Meghan........oh wait"
Me:"What the fuck do you want?"
Past:"No matter what, I do love you."
Me:"Nice to know, now let me off the phone."
Past:"Nobody is stopping you from hanging it up..."
Me:"Your right.......click..........
*-*-And he calls back and I yell at him some more and thats that. Tell me that I don't need him, that it will get better and he was bad for me anyway. Tell me that I won't miss him as much tomorrow or want to see him.....

Monday, September 12, 2005

Horoscopes Suck

Libra:Your past is singing a bluesy song, trying to lure you backward when you've likely learned what you needed to there. Be a toughie; acknowledge the pull, then push it away and get your head (and heart) in the present.

-*-Isn't it just weird how these things are so true all the time? My relationship life seriously is a sad country love song right now. The past is pulling harder than ever and I'm pushing as hard as I can to get away. I came, I saw, I got what was coming to me. Why would I want to do that again? Thats what we'll call him from now on: Past. So, I am having dinner with Past tonight, and I'm glad to see that we're finally learning how to be friends and talk about things that still need to be talked about. We love each other, but I think we agree we're not good together. Or, it was me agreeing he's not good for me. Either way, we worked it out, and now we're better friends than anything(just don't tell "the new girlfriend)

Zero For The Hero

Well, I had a good time this weekend! I went out and drank, and drank, and drank some more and then I met Eddie. Eddie takes the cake on a lot of "bar flies" I've met. He's just gorgeous, and sweet, and probably the biggest male whore I've ever met. I met him in Pearland with some friends, Amy and Cathy, at The Corral! Haha, a bunch of rednecks, drunk, on karaoke night. Yea, not pretty at all. I spent more time laughing than anything. We were sitting right by the door, so when Eddie and his friends walked in, I immediately knew. It wouldn't be for several more hours that I find out, he noticed me too and didn't want to say anything because he's shy. We end up talking and having a good time and when its time to leave, he walks me to the car and gives me a hug and a kiss good night and drops the famous guy line "I'll call you later if you promise to answer it." Ok, I'd be stupid not to answer it! I figured he wouldn't call, and went on my marry little way. WRONG......he called at 4:30 that morning and we talked for a little while and I told him that I would call him later.....and didn't. Sorry Eddie, got busy and forgot about you. Now, it is my turn to ignore phone calls and make empty promises! Here starts the war of the sexes............

Friday, September 09, 2005

If Only...

If only memories could build a stairway and wishes could build a lane, I'd walk right up to my dreams and bring you home again. If only tears could make a dream come true and thoughts were heard out loud, I'd be standing here with you and not feeling lost in a crowd. If only my life wasn't flipped upside down and my mouth could shut really tight; My heart wouldn't be ripped apart on the ground and my whole world would be just right. If only my world was right, and I had you back in my life; I'd be holding on tight, because you promised I'd be your wife. If only I was your wife and my world was right; I wouldn't feel so lost in life, I wouldn't be missing you tonight. If only all the "if onlys" in the world came true and my world was in perfect sync; I would be spending time loving you, instead of searching for the missing link.

I love you, Buddah!
*-*-the Penguin*-*-

From Josh With Love

From : Joshua S.
Sent : Wednesday, September 7, 2005 8:50 PM
To : Meghan L.
Subject : I know!

Meghan, I know all those things already! You should also know the way I feel about you. I have never asked you to wait forever, and I'm not expecting you too. I know we had our problems while we were together, actually quite a bit of problems, but that never made me love you any less. We stayed together for so long through things that would have torn most couples apart. I have realized during this time we have been apart how much I did enjoy being with you, and how little all those things that we fought over actually meant. Compared to loving you for the rest of my life, those disagreements and fights never meant jack shit in the big scheme of things. I Hope we will eventually work together to find our way as a couple in this world. I dont like to rush things anymore, just as I don't like being rushed, but I don't want you to feel as if you're wasting your time. All I can say on that matter is that if you feel the way you say you feel about me and our future, waiting a little while to get what you want is not a waste of time-its time invested in something that will last you the rest of your life. TRUE LOVE, that's what you are investing in. I promise you that one way or the other fate will have it's way and you will have what's yours. I wish for nothing else but your happiness, and anything else that I can give you in this world. I will take care of "things" in time. I have got to go for now, miss ya, luv ya, and everything else you already know! -- Your Buddah--Josh.

I'm Holding A Key.....

that doesn't fit any locks. Sitting here all by myself, my heart up on a shelf; my house don't feel like home to me. I keeping glancing at the clock on the wall, it feels like time is standing still is all. Ever since he went away, I've been feeling this way. What I really want to say to him just doesn't come as easy as it does here. I see him and completely break down. I want to see him, I want to be with him, I want hold him, and put my arms around him. Why can't I tell him that to his face? Why can't I tell him that when he calls? Its so hard for me to talk to him, it always has been, and I don't know why. Maybe because I'm scared of the way I feel. I want him back, but do I really, really want him back? I love him, but can I live without him? I've got all these questions and not one answer. I've tried talking to him about it, but he just tells me he loves me, and things will work out, and that he misses me. I'm tired of hearing that, I want results and I want them now. I wasted too much time listening to bullshit excuses. I need something real, something to look forward to, and not just a beer when I get home from work. When does this end? Why did it start? Hell, I give up.....I'm not Dr. Phil, and I believe that if he really feels the way he says he does, it will work out. If he needs me that much, he'll be there. Anyone want to take bets?

Thursday, September 08, 2005

To Hell and Back In One Week

For many of the people in Louisana, Hurrican Katrina has devasted thousands of lives and families all across the state. Those who were unable to get out of her path were either left stranded, drowned, or without other family members. Houston has been a big factor in housing and helping to support those who were able to flee, and those who caught a bus over. The Astrodome has been turned into a shelter, as well as the George R. Brown Convention Center. Well, this creates a huge problem for me. I work 3 blocks from the convention center and many of these evacuees are here robbing, raping, and pillaging our village in which we work. I completely understand the need for these families to be here and try and start over after the hurricane, but why on god's green earth would they come over here and starting robbing people, raping other evacuees, and stealing from those who are trying to help. Houston picked the scummiest, dirtiest, most god-awful people to help out. Leave it to us! Downtown Houston was already a favorite spot for many homeless people, but now that we've added 120,000 people to that, its just unreal. Walking from my parking garage is no longer safe, nor is it anywhere else downtown. We've taken these people in, housed, fed, and given them everything we possibly can to try and help them recover and start over and what do they do? They throw it in our face and say "Fuck it, I was homeless in New Orleans, I'll be homeless here, too.!" We're giving them homes, which by the way is fucked off! Many people who have lived here they're whole life have been unable to get homes, jobs, or any other kind of help from the government. But hey, if your homeless in N.O. we'll give you a house in Houston. What kind of message is that sending to the people who were smart enough to get the fuck out of Louisana? The families here, that are actually trying to start over, should be helped first and foremost. Screw the homeless. Everyone has a choice. You don't HAVE to be homeless. Get off your lazy asses, get a job and do something. Nobody is going to take you off the street and give you a house, car, job, or money. Well, unless you were too stupid to get out of New Orleans and were homeless before, come to Houston, we'll help you out. Houston: Helping One Homeless After the Other and Shitting on The Rest of The Hardworking People Who Need It the Most!! Kinda makes you want to come visit, doesn't it?

Rewinding Time Is Hard

I got a call yesterday from him(Josh). He called me at work, and normally this upsets me because since we parted ways 3 and a half months ago, I have yet to have a phone conversation with him where I have not cried. I was in rare form yesterday and a basically happy mood, we talked about us and everything that was going on in our seperate lives and I didn't cry. There were a couple times when something from the past was brought up, that I could feel my eyes start to burn and my throat tighten, but other than that, I was ok. I'm not sure why I can't seem to control my crying when he is around. Maybe its the constant reminder he brings of how things "used to be" or the feeling in my gut of "what might have been". He loves me still, and I know he does, because he says so everytime we talk. I've gotten e mails from him and we talk regualary on the phone, but I have this constant feeling of regret. I regret the choices I made that night my life basically was turned upside down; June 15,2005. The night my destiny and fate walked out of my door and left me standing there with nothing other than "I love you" to say. I cried so much that night, I didn't think it was possible to stop. Ever since that day, I have kicked myself in the ass repeatedly, numerous times a day. We both agree that we are going to work things out and something, somewhere has got to give. He has a "girlfriend" now, but I know she means nothing to him other than a place to sleep and an occasional piece of ass. If she meant more than that, he would have cut all ties with me a long time ago. We've tried being friends, but have found that we are unable to be in the same room with his girlfriend around because we can't control the way we feel about each other, and everyone that knows me, also knows that I am very vocal, and tend to express whatever I'm feeling, regardless of whos listening and whos feelings I hurt. I don't like him sneaking around and lying to her, but then again, she has no right to take whats rightfully mine. I'm not going to fight with her or compete with her in any way, because I feel that I shouldn't have to. Me and Josh know whats going on and what we have to do to get it there, and we are the only 2 people that need to know. I could give a shit less about what she feels or what she wants. When I saw him yesterday, it was hard for me not to cry. Crying isn't going to bring him home any faster and isn't going to get me what I want, but its hard to see him and not feel some kind of emotion. Everything I have done in the last 2 and a half years, he has been a major part of. I don't know anything else but him. I've tried going out with a couple different guys, but it doesnt feel right. I can't see myself with anyone else but him. I'm not going to wait forever and he doesn't want me to, but I don't feel like I'm wasting my time either. Its only been 3 and a half months, if I can invest 2 and a half years in a relationship, I can wait longer than that to continue it. Especially since I know its worth it and not a waste of time. God, why does this hurt so much? Why do I feel like a part of me is dying? He must intend to come back. All you have to do is look around my house, so much of him remains. He is still a huge factor in everything I do. There has not been one day go by that I don't think about him, wonder what he's doing, or how he is. I miss him like crazy. He's not the only one though. He has a 2 year old son also. Me and his son have bonded just like me and Josh did. Brenton still cries when I leave, and runs to me when I get to his house. I miss him so much, and feel like I've let him down as well. Brenton was 3 months old when me and Josh got together, and everyday since then I've seen him. Josh's mom isn't stupid, she knows Josh just like she knows me, she knows that we'll get back together, she just tired of waiting also. Pretty soon he goes back to work and it'll be Ok from there. If I could rewind time and go back to that night, I'd never have said the things I did and I would have never had to watch him leave. So many things have happened, but none of them are as important as what we're both working on now. All the fights, the problems, it was all unimportant. Where do we go from here? How do I get back to US? Lets be us again...........

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Can You Hear Me.......?

What do you do when you look in the mirror and staring at you is the reason he's not here? What do you say when everything you said before is the reason he left anyway? I have spent the last 4 months of my life, making him look like a total jackass, good for nothing, piece of shit. Now, when I sit back and thing about it, I realize that its not him. He wasn't the evil one, he wasn't the problem, he wasn't anything I said about him. It was me. I had the problem, I made the choices that left me where I am right now. Alone. Scared. Unhappy. All thats left of me, without him, is what I pretend to be; completely together, but all broken up inside. I'm barely hanging on. I feel like at any given moment, or at the drop of a pin, I could break down. I can't control everything I thought I could. I realize I spent the last 6 months of our relationship pushing him away. I thought it was Him. Now, he did have his faults too, nobody's perfect. He did drink too much, stay out too late, and party too hard, and leave me home a lot of the time. But now that I think about it, I would have left me home too. My attitude was terrible. I treated him great, but when we were fighting, I was way wrong. I can't let go of things that happened in the past and ultimately thats what ended us. I kept bringing up things that were over and done with and I told him I forgave him for. He wasn't cheating on me, like I thought he was. I realize that now. He didn't have time too. He was always there. I can never say he wasn't. Anytime I needed him, anthing I wanted, anything I needed. I realize it all now.......now that its too late. Men aren't the only ones with commitment issues, women too have their share. And as I sit here with tears running down my face, I realize nobody on this earth will ever take his place. Nobody could compare to what we shared.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Cluster-Fucked Emotional Wreckage

Just when I think I'm doing good at leaving his memory behind, he calls. Why does he do this to me? Everytime I think I actually hate him, he does this to me....its like I can't escape him, he's everywhere. I think I'm doing good, he calls me and I get all fucked off again. I start crying, and missing him and just want to be with him. Then after we get off of the phone, I hate him and remember why we're not together. God, I need pills or something. He's like a disease that I can't get rid of. I try and try to not think about him but it doesn't work.....I know he misses me and I miss him to, but shit doesn't work like that anymore. I have to let him go, any suggestions from anyone would be great.........