Lovemehell.....

is me. I am Meghan, I am lovemehell, for those of you that didn't know. This is my blog. In case you haven't noticed, my life is one big drama filled episode of The Real World. My ex can't let me be, my job stresses me out to the point of tears, and my personal life does the same. I created this blog because, if there has ever been any thing on this earth that calms me down, its writing. I have at least 10 journals at home, and then my blog. I post damn near everything here. I like to see comments from other people, as well as advice. "Killjoy" recently started posting on here, and if you've read "Cry Pussy" then you've seen his advice. That letter is from my ex, and as said before, I am Meghan. We broke up 6 months ago, and I still don't know how to deal with him. I love him, but do I want him back? No. We would and will never work. Recently I have been talking to Darren. Some know about him, others don't. I like talking to him, he's sweet, he's funny. He's cute. Who knows what will happen, but at this point, I'm not worried about it. I go with the flow. If its meant to happen, it'll flow with me. Anyhow, now that I fill better and need another beer...........read on and continue to be amazed..............

I Want A Video.....

of three midgets mud wrestling. Some kind of wierd fantasy.

Long Night Drinkin

those three little words sum up the reason for my exsistence. Thanks Mom and Dad, my co-depency and need for booze thank you also.

Cry Pussy

From : Joshua Smith
Sent : Wednesday, October 26, 2005 5:49 AM
To : Meghan
Subject : You and I






Meghan,
It's incredibly difficult for some people to find that one person that will be there until the end, in fact, most people are old in age before they can find some "filler" to spend the rest of their years. It's amazing how small of a speck each and every life really is in the big scheme of things, and yet the little time we have in this life, and the few chances we have to get it right, we still waste a large part of it fighting useless battles and working too hard to acquire things that will have no real value when we die. I want to spend the rest of my life doing whatever makes me happy so that when I leave this world I'll know that I did everything there was in life to do, and that I took every available chance to do what I did right. I believe that despite what a person has done in their past, they have the chance to change their own future. I guess what you need to know is that I'm lucky, I'm lucky to have met you so early in life. I was just visiting a friends house and there YOU were. I could never have known the impact that you would have on my life, or my heart. You are my one TRUE love, and no one before you or after you will ever mean as much to me as you. No One. I really thought I knew what love was, until my ignorance and immature attitude let me walk out of your house. Since then I haven't felt right, I wasn't able to walk away from you like I had everything and everyone else that had gone wrong in my life. I needed you and I still do. You are there in everything I do, even in my dreams. I want you to know that I love You, and I will always love You. Whoever it was that made the plans concerning our lives apparently knew that You and I were to be together. It was not a mistake. Josh

*-*After seeing him last night, and spending much needed time together, as I got in my car to drive home, I did cry. I cried like a little pussy........

Understand Me?

I can not begin to explain how sick and fucking tired I am, of dealing with other people's shit. I don't care what problems your having at home, what people you can't stand, what music pisses you off, or anything. I DON'T CARE! I have my own problems to worry about. And really, they're not that big of a problem. I have bills too. I have guy problems, I have car trouble. I may not be married, have kids, or mortage payments.....but bills are all the same, they are BILLS. You have to pay them or you lose service. I'm not married because I chose not to be. I don't have kids because I chose not to have any. Everything I have, I want. I am completely happy in my apartment, with my car, and my cat. I'm not in debt, and I don't owe anyone shit. I do everything I can to help other people out when asked. I am a happy, out going, and energetic person and only 19 fucking years old for those of you that didn't know or haven't been told. I am a smart ass, and stubborn as hell, but I come by it honest. I'm not quick to apologize, especially if I feel like an apology isn't needed. I tend to piss people off and not care, and say things that hurt people and not care. I am very blunt and say what I mean. If I tell you that your hair looks like shit, it's the truth. I'm not fake and try and like someone or something, just to avoid confrontation. I am a very confrontational person and I stand my ground and what I believe in. If I hurt your feelings or have in the past; I'm sorry. Sometimes I mistakingly hurt feelings, step on toes, or become confrontational if I feel like I have to defend myself. Don't mistake that as close minded or shut out from other's views and beliefs. I'm tired of people treating me like a child. I am not. Yes, I know how old I am, but age is just a number. Don't come at me expecting the conversation skills or maturness of a 19 year old because what you'll get is that of a 30 year old. I admit when I am wrong, although, not before I think it through. I know my faults and my inability to accept blame a lot of the times, but that doesn't make me a bad person does it? I can think if a lot worse than accepting blame, to make me a bad person. Everyone has faults, the question is...can they admit it?


*-*-This blog is in no way directed, attacking, nor blaming ANYONE on the face of this earth. Please don't think it is. This entire webpage was created as a way for me to express my feelings and beliefs, so I don't go crazy.*-*

Mr. Jones....

your views are being forced down my throat now. I in no way believe that I try and force my beliefs or opinions on anyone else. Or is that just another one of my opinions there? I think I do well with listening to others and seeing where they are coming from. Its others who believe something and think that's the only right way, that I don't agree with. I'm not at all "this is how it is and how its going to be". I am very considerate of others views, and that's probably what gets me so stressed out. I spend too much time trying to help others with they're problems and be there for them, that I don't have time to deal with mine. I am too compassionate at times with other people, and that's how I get hurt. I guess it doesn't matter what I say here because someone will come on and say that it's not true or I shouldn't do that or this...well I'm not you! I'm not going to do the things you do or say it how you say it, or live like you live. Because if I did, I would be one miserable, unhappy, negative, self-diagnosed lunatic; who spent all my time trying to bring people down and knock them off their "happy horse"! Mr. Jones, you officially suck!

Boredom

is definitely not whats going on here. If it wasn't for this little game, I'd have nothing to look forward to. See, if I explained this game to you, or the rules, I'd have to kill you. Since I'm not up for killing anyone or going to prison for the rest of my life, I'll keep playing the game and letting all others wonder what the hell is going on. Hmmm....GameMaster are you happy now?

Control Freak

I've begun to wonder wonder whats in my wonder ball. Just joking, I've known a few of these "control freaks" in my life. I think I have even picked up on some of the freakiness. For example:
1. Nobody touches the radio in my car
2. Nobody tells me what to do
3. Nobody tells me how to solve life's little problems
(because I like to figure it out on my own. I was never a "follower")
4. I refuse to let someone drive my vehicle
5. I just like to be in control of ME and MY belongings.....
Now, if you are one of these so called "freaks" and you disagree with me, feel free to do so now by clicking on the little button that says "comments"

Hard To Say I'm Sorry....When I'm Not

I guess that's pretty much self-explanatory. I honestly feel I don't have to apologize for something that I'm not sorry for. I refuse to lower myself to someone else because we have differences, and I will damn sure not apologize for it either. I refuse to back down on what I believe is right and wrong, and I refuse to believe in something that I don't. If that makes me a bad person, well then don't talk to me. Anyone feel the same as me?............

My House, 2 Whores and a Crackpipe

Sounds like a great weekend doesn't it!

"I will win....."

is what I've been telling myself for the last couple of months. Nothing is ever as hard as it seems, and we never put more on ourselves than we can truly handle. I do have a lot going on...not as much as some people I know. Heaven forbid my problems be as big as yours.......but still, for being as young as I am, I never thought I would end up this stressed out. Writing helps a lot, its something I've been doing since I was young, and by the time I'm through with this, I'll probably feel better. Do you ever feel like you just need to run away for a while? Just pack up and leave and not worry about anything until you feel good and ready to, thats how I feel now. If I could go back to Mexico and not worry about a damn thing until NEVER, I would. Now I truly understand what Kenny meant when he said "No shoes, no shirt, and no problems.." because its the truth. Everything just seems worlds away when your laying on a beach with a pina colada and not a care in the world. I wish I could go back..............maybe our wishes aren't as far as they seem....has anyone seen Ryan's number?

The Past Rears its Ugly Head

So, here I am thinking that me and Past are finally through. I've been doing good, haven't talked to him in almost 3 weeks and just when things start to look up.....he calls. I had stayed out until 4 a.m. the night before, so when I answered the phone I was a little hoarse and grouchy. Here's the rest;
Past: "Meghan?" "Are you there?"
Me: "Uhh huuh...."
Past: " What the hell is wrong with you?"
Me:"I didn't get home until four this morning and on top on that, I'm sick....I thought you hated me...."
Past:"I do, don't you hate me too?"
Me:"Your damn right, hold on so I can light my cigarette."
Past:"Smoking isn't good for you."
Me:"Neither is waking me up before I want to be awake."
Past:"I though it'd be safe since I'm on the phone...."
Me:"Did you need something or did you just call to harass me?"
Past:"Both."
Me:"What do you want?"
Past:"How was Cancun?"
Me:"Great, cause you weren't there harassing me!"
Past:"Do you remember the password to my e-mail account?"
Me:"Yea, its ********.....how can you not remember that?"
Past:"Thats kind of obvious isn't it?"
Me:"Yea, just a little. Is that all you needed?"
Past:"Come over here and bring the Cancun pictures..."
Me:"I'm sleepy, and you can come over here."
Past:"Get your lazy ass up, I can't leave I'm watching Brenton."
Me:"You have to babysit your own son?"
Past:"Don't start, are you coming or not?"
Me:"I'm breathing hard and sweating but I'm not coming yet...."
Past:"Your still a comedian I see."
Me:"Some things never change. Give me 20 minutes and I'll be there."
Past:"You better hurry your little ass up."
Me:"And if I don't? What are you going to do? Move out? Break up with me? haha your still funny too"
Past:"Bye Meghan."
Me:"Whatever Josh."
Past:"You know you love me."
Me:"I know I'd love to choke you for waking me up."
Past:"I'm important though..."
Me:"No, you WERE important, now your just impotent!"
Past:"Still got jokes, huh......"
Me:"I'm getting off the phone, and I will be there to strangle you in a minute."
Past:"Later hater..."
Me:"After while Mr. Denial...hhaha

....click.......
He's right, some things never change, and our love/hate relationship is one of them. Its the only thing I can count on to always be there in my life, no matter how dysfunctional it is!