Friday, December 30, 2005

Friday, December 23, 2005

Caution: Emotions Ahead

It's only days before Christmas, and I am in the worst of moods. For some unknown reason, not one thing about this year has been memorable. The year, 2005, has brought hard-times, tears, heartbreaks, and sorrow. This is the one chapter of my life that I am happy to be writing the last few pages of. Between losing loved ones and moving on in this unforgiving world, there seems to be little time for anything else. At the tender, young age of nineteen, I'm proud to say that I've figured out the five most important things in life; family, health, friends, jobs, and integrity. These five things are like balls; family and health being glass, and friends, jobs, and integrity being rubber. The rubber balls will always bounce back, but once broken, the glass balls can never be replaced. As I sit here, in the dark, performing the one activity that I love so much: writing, I realize we're only promised today. Tomorrow is something a lot of people will never get to see. No matter how shitty I believe my day has been, or how tired I am, I thank God at the end of each and every day for my family, and my health, because honestly, everything else in life is just rubber, it'll bounce back. So, from this day forward, when I feel like giving up or giving in because I've had a bad day, someone is running their mouth, or I'm just hating life for no particular reason, I'll remind myself: It's just rubber........

Thursday, December 22, 2005

How I Live My Life

How You Life Your Life
You have a good sense of self control and hate to show weakness.You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations.You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences.You have one big dream in your life, and you never lose sight of it.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

My Mood Today: HOMICIDE


Monday, December 19, 2005

Japanese Kids ROCK!!!!

Ok, so Japan is in the middle of a hip-hop fad right now. Which depresses me oh so much. "But why?" You ask. "Isn't that a good thing?" You'd think, but remember that everything Japan gets is filtered. So Japan defines hip-hop through MTV. Not cool. Not only that, but now they're trying *really hard* to be ghetto. No. It's like wiggers...only ten times worse. My friends and I have dubbed this "jiggers" for lack of a better term.
I went to a hip-hop club with a friend a few weeks ago, and pretty much everyone there was wearing the exact same thing. The guys ALL wore NY Yankees caps, to the side, a sweater, a coat, some "bling-bling" for good measure, and big pants. The girls all looked like a tit-less, ass-less version of Beyonce from one of her videos. I swear, it's like they went to K-Mart and bought "Hip-Hop in a Can" for $9.99 and popped it open....voila! I'm ghetto now! ...No you're not! The other thing that depressed me about this club was that no one really danced...they all "swayed" to the music, while holding cigarettes. In neatly arraigned lines. That's Japan for you.
Also, the DJ at one point screamed out "Everybody say HO!" and everyone just kind of stood there in confusion. As a music lover, but first and foremost as an English teacher, I had to fight the urge to rush up there, take the mike and yell "It's a command form! You're supposed to *do it*!"
So anyway, my bastard ninensei boys at the ghetto school have gotten caught up in the hip-hop craze. They wear big sweaters over their uniforms, and wear their pants around their thighs to simulate bagginess. They think they're the shit too, but when I look at them I just see kids who don't know how to wear pants. There's one ichinensei boy who is also a brat and idolizes these kids. He just sits in class and stares at me or the teacher, and if we try to give him work he swats it off his desk and laughs over how "cool" he is. One day I noticed something peculiar...his hair. Apparently, he wanted cornrows. But of course, he doesn't have the hair for cornrows. So he'd just shaved lines in his head to represent cornrows. I actually laughed quite a bit over this. And just in case you're thinking I was being a bit harsh, this kid is an absolute bastard so don't lose too much sleep over him.
This past week, one day in class the worst boy came over to me and wanted to talk. Ordinarily, I would have been happy to talk to him...if this wasn't in the middle of class. I told him to be quiet and go back to his seat. But he didn't care and pressed on. "Do you know Chingy? Chingy?" He asks. Some rapper or something, my idiot ex downloaded a song of his on my computer. Hey, I've been away for awhile, I have no idea who's in and who's not back in the states. "Yeah yeah, I know him, be quiet already." I say. The boy is highly pleased with this. "Of course you know Chingy, you're black!" Because, you know, all black people like rap and hip hop. Boy howdy, gimme some Chingy and some fried chicken, and I'll be one happy negro! *thumbs up*
I wish I could say it stopped there, but from that point forward, any time any ONE of the bad ninensei boys saw me they'd exclaim "You know Chingy? Chingy! You know his song?" Sigh. Friday was a holiday, but if I'd gone to school and heard "Chingy!" one more time, I think I seriously would've snapped and gone Tyler Durden/Fight Club on them. "You're not black. Listening to hip-hop will not make you black. Wearing bling-bling will not make you black. Wearing your pants around your ankles will not make you black. You're not your fucking MTV. You're a 14 year old Japanese schoolboy, and nobody thinks this is cool."
I don't even like Chingy

**this comes from a guy's website who teaches English to middle schoolers in Japan! I want his check out the rest of the funny shit that happens to him, go to

Tuesday, December 13, 2005


Don't think that no ones loved you,
because they've turned away.
Don't feel they didn't care for you,
because they couldn't stay.
Don't damn the world for not
returning the love you feel you've given.
Don't hate the one that you were yearning for,
because he couldn't make a commitment.
Just think of him as experience,
and think how much you've grown.
Think of him as the sacred prince
who placed you on a throne.
Think of all your times together,
feeling closer since you're apart.
Think of your plans of now and forever,
and hold them in your heart.
And don't let yourself feel so much hate
when he's no longer your other.
For when you're both at Heaven's gate,
that man will be your brother.

Habits, and Urges, and Addictions, oh my!

What is usually the hardest for me going through a breakup is fighting those relentless urges to contact my ex. "I just need some closure. I just need some answers 'why'. I just want to explain to them, plead with them, beg them, show them how I'm sorry. I just want to hear their voice, see their face, and have them see and hear mine. Maybe they'll realize how much they miss me...blah, blah, blah....yadda, yadda, yadda...." Ewww!!!! Those urges are just so annoying. But what drives me to follow through with them? To risk my pride, my dignity, my self-esteem, and self-respect and fall crumbling to my knees to plead with them? What are they, God or something? Geez! I'm are sorry-sack aren't I? *grins*. But we've all done it. We've all thought about planning 'accidental' meetings, dreamed of chance encounters and hoped for final conversations. We've all come up with emergency reasons to contact our ex–we've conjured up causes, and schemed, plotted, and coerced our friends to arrange it. So why do we do it and how can we cope with them? How do we fight urges that dominate our thinking and interfere with our daily routine?

I'm Movin' On

It is said that the second most intense life stress is loss of love. The first is death. But I question this? Both are final. Both, in most cases, result in the physical removal of someone special from your life. Both result in the loss of a way of life we have become familiar with. Both have resulted in hanging strings of things that were never said. However with death you have the peace of knowing you were in your lost loved one's heart. You were not abandoned purposely, cast aside, or rejected. With death you can take off work and get sympathy. You are given gifts of comfort and understanding. You can go through closing rituals and you can feel contentment that they are in a better place. But with breakups, separation, or divorce, even though you have the assurance that they are still alive somewhere on this Earth, their love was intentionally withdrawn from you! They opted to leave you. We no longer have their presence, nor their care. They no longer want us. Either way, death or breakup, you had little say or control over the situation. I've often wondered if I had been able to deal with my loss easier if my ex had been taken away from me at God's will while he still loved me, instead of his intentional, direct withdrawal of his love for me on his own volition. That's not to say I wish him dead, oh my! That's just to say I think my own personal grief would have been less self-destructive and more accepted and socially supported. I have been through both the death of a loved one, and the intentional physical and emotional withdrawal of a loved one, and I would have to say grief over breakup, separation, or divorce can be equally as devastating–if not more–than grief over the death of your loved one.
In death you lose your loved one's physical presence in both your present time and your future. But in the loss through breakup we haven't just lost one's physical presence in our lives, but their love, also. We experience grief over the loss of their mental, emotional, and spiritual presence, too, along with our own sense of value and self-worth, our pride, our ego, our dreams, our hopes, our security, and our feelings of being loved. We feel rejected, not good enough, not lovable, unwanted, and cast aside. We feel taken for granted and unappreciated for all we have done. We have gone from being everything to being nothing in a moment flat! But what kind of people would we be if we didn't grieve? Doesn't our grief stem from our having been loving, devoted, caring, committed, trusting and involved? Would we really want to be the type of person that is so cold, callous, without emotion, and self-centered that we could easily just dismiss such a breakup and walk away unscathed?..."

Phone Call from the Past

After dealing with PastGirlfriend all day Sunday, I figured I was in the clear for another couple months or so. WRONG! About midnight last night I get a call from Past. Now, seeing how I dated him for almost 3 years, he more than anyone, should know that I do not like to be interrupted while I'm sleeping. Apparently, when your drunk or high, you have no concept of time. I was woke up by "I'd give you a ring, and promise you things I always thought we'd do" what an appropriate song, it's Best of Intentions and it just happens to be Past's ringtone.
Past:"Why did you tell her that I called you while I was in Huntsville?"
Me:Hello, who is this?"
Past:"You know who this is..."
Me:"Listen mother fucker, if I knew who the hell was calling and waking me up at midnight I damn sure wouldn't have asked 'who is this' again."
Past:"It's Josh."
Me:"I'm sleeping, I have to get up in 4 hours to go to work! I know you don't know what that means or grasp the concept of a job, but I do."
**I hung up on him and not two minutes later he calls back**
Past:"Answer my question Meghan"
Me:"You can't tell me what to do anymore. If you didn't want her to find out, then you shouldn't have called me. Since your "engaged" now, it's only best for the marriage that I tell her everything you do when she's not around."
Past:"Your screwing my relationship up."
Me:"What relationship? If all it takes is me calling and telling her some bullshit story to get her to dump your sorry ass, that's not a very strong and trusting relationship. Once again, I'm sleeping tell that bitch to quit calling me, because I DO NOT call her anymore, ya'll seem to make it a habit when the other's not around to call me and get shit started. Geez, Josh at least I trusted your stupid ass enough to let you go pee by yourself."
PastGirlfriend(in the background) "I'm not going to quit calling you"
Me:"Tell that skank ass whore of a girlfriend that you have if she calls me one more time, I'm filing harassment charges on both of you. I've told ya'll repeatedly to leave me out of your screwed up, no job having, drug addicted, lives. If you think your Mother won't back me on this 100% try me."
Past(yelling at the whore)" Shut up Heather, she isn't talking to you."
Me:"Put me on speaker phone."
Past:"You are, that's how she heard you."
Me:"Good, then I hope she's listening when I that this is the last god damned warning I will give either of you. Quit calling me when ya'll get fucked up and pissed off at each other, because I could care less about what's happening or why she kicked you out again. Your both on probation and if you think I won't call your probation officers, try me."
Past:"I just don't understand why you feel the need to tell her everytime I call you."
Me:"Did ya hear that tramp? He just admitted to calling me. This is the man that you want to marry!" "Good luck to both of you, I'm getting off the phone because you both are a waste of my time and life space all together."
**After I hung up this time, he didn't call back; but I did get a nice text message that said
"If you want us back together, you have to quit telling her everything." So, I did what any ex girlfriend that is trying her hardest to stay away from her ex, I forwarded to his girlfriend. I'm sure she'll want to marry him now. He honestly makes me sick, we have been going through this crap for the last 8 months and I'm sick of it. I don't call them, and they should not call me. Everytime they get drunk or high, they feel the need to call and start shit. Acting like I care about them or what's going on now. If I really wanted to get back at him, I could; but I'm not going to stoop to his level and act like a child.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Past Mistakes.....

I'm going through life again, no word from Past, because he's "working" and all that is just great with me. If I don't have to talk to him, then I don't have to worry about what a screw up he is, or how great of a mistake I made when I got with him. I'm enjoying my weekend and went to dinner and a movie with friends to see Chronicles of Narnia, which by the way, was great. I remember reading the books in school, and loved them then too. The movie actually followed the books. Anyways, I get home a phone call Sunday morning that went a little something like this:
Me: "Hello"
Me:"Yea, what do you want?"
PastGirlfriend:"I need some advice."
Me:What did Past do now?"
PastGirlfriend:"Nothing, we got engaged, and I don't know if I should marry him or not."
Me:"I know I've always wanted to marry someone whose family hates me, can't support their child, can't hold a steady job, and is addicted to any type of drug you put in front of their face."
PastGirlfriend:"Yea, I was thinking about that. I don't know if I should go through with it or not."
Me:"I don't know why your calling me, because 1. I don't care if ya'll are engaged or not 2. I could give a shit less if you wanted my advice, because you don't listen anyway 3.Why in the hell are you calling me?"
PastGirlfriend:"Well, you dated him for almost 3 years, and he still talks to you, so I figured I would call and ask."
Me:"No, you called to try and start shit because you think I give a fuck about him still, and I don't. I told you a long time ago that I didn't and for both you of to stop calling me. Congratulations on the divorce, I've gotta go."
PastGirlfriend: "You think we'll get divorced?"
Me:"Once his mother finds out, you won't even be getting married. I have to go, I don't have time for the petty bullshit. I told you that I didn't give a fuck about either of you, and ya'll continue to call me, both of you calling me and telling me that ya'll got engaged is not going to hurt me, make me cry, or make me wish that I was still with him. All it is making me do is be very happy that you got what I didn't want anymore, and happier that I realized what a fuck up he is. I've never been happier in my life to know that I do not have to look or deal with someone again."

**I then hung up on her and went about my day. I didn't cry, or feel sad that they were engaged because honestly, I'm happier than ever that I don't have to put up with him anymore. About 5 or 6 hours went by and my phone rings again. It's none other than the screw up himself:
Past:"Do you know who this is?"
Me:"I'm guessing its the fuck up of my last ex boyfriend that can't hold a steady job or support his child, so he figured he would justify all that by getting engaged to some drug head tramp that his family hates."
Past:"Damnit Meghan, don't start please."

Me:"You called me, what do you need?"
Past:"What do you think about all this?"
Me:"You want the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God?"
Past:"I've got a feeling that this isn't going to make me happy, but yea I do."
Me:"Ok, here goes; why in God's name would you want to marry some tramp that your family despises, when you have no job, are in debt up to your ears, can't support your child, whom should come before any piece of ass and free rent in this world, and when that tramp quit her part-time job because she couldn't trust you while you were "working". Do you realize in the last 2 years, you have worked 28 days! That's it, 28 freakin days, Josh. Your now even more in debt than you were before. You're avoiding your family because of it, and you refuse to leave that piece of trash you call a girlfriend, to do anything about it. You know your Mother hates her, and she will never be allowed nor welcomed in your family and she better not have dreams of becoming Brenton's step-mommie, because that damn sure will never happen." "Have you even told your Mother what you've gotten yourself into now?"

Past:"No, but I'm sure you will as soon as we hang up."
Me:"Your damn right I will. Do you realize how ridiculous you both are for calling your ex-girlfriend to get "advice" on what to do? I'm going to tell you just like I told that tramp, I could give a shit less what you're doing, where you're at, who you're with, or why you're doing it. I got over you a long time ago, and I told you both a long time ago to leave me out of whatever ya'll are doing. This isn't upsetting me or making me wish I had you back. This is pissing me off because ya'll won't leave me alone, and making me the happiest I've ever been for not having to deal with you or your problems."
Past:"I should've stayed with you, or gotten back with you a long time ago."

Me:"There was one point where I would've taken you back in a heartbeat, but everyday you continue to prove what a mess your life is and how you could careless about what happens in it."
Past:"I do care what happens to my life."
Me:"What about your son whose fixing to be sent to live in the depths of hell with your ex-wife because you can't pull your head out of your ass long enough to even pretend like you care. I know you love him, but you could atleast give a shit what happens to him."
Past:"I guess I was wrong in believing that if I called you, you would support me on this, but once again you've sided with my Mother."
Me:"Your damn right I have. You are fixing to make the biggest mistake of your life, and I'm not going to do a damn thing about it." "From day one, your family and I have been bailing you out of every damn situation you get youself into, and I'm sick of it. I thought when I kicked you out and you swore to me that I'd never see you again, that I'd be done with it. Damnit Josh, I'm sick of this. I'm sick of you calling and disrupting me and my life, I'm sick of trying to talk some sense into that thick ass head of yours, and I'm sick of you treating me and your family like a sack of shit." "You go around doing whatever the hell you want, whenever you want, and expect us to stand by and what you screw up yet again." "We've tried every damn thing we know to keep you from screwing up, you've been given numerous opportunities to help yourself, and because it didn't benefit your habits or your penis, you walked away." "If you could move back in to your mother's and deal with no girlfriend, beer, or drugs for a couple months, you might realize what a mess your life is, but instead you'd rather run around like a drunken, unemployed wild child with a tramp ass girlfriend." You are the most selfish, ungrateful person I have ever met and for one in my life I'm glad to not be attached or associated with you."
Past:"Are you done yet?" " I knew when I called that you were going to yell at me, but I didn't think you would take it this far as to hurt my feelings."
Me:"I'm glad your feelings are hurt, think about all the other people's feelings you've hurt, and you never once gave a shit."
Past:"I do care, you know I care about you; I always did and always will."
Past:"Ok, I'm getting of the phone, I'm sure you need to call my mother anyway, and I'm tired of you yelling at me and putting me down."
Me:"Get used to it, because I have no respect for someone that doesn't take responsibilities for their actions, or their children, and can't hold a steady job because they'd rather party. Your grown Josh, it's time to start acting like it." "You always wonder why your Mother likes me and doesn't like Heather, lets compare her and I real quick. I have a full-time job, I have my own apartment, I pay numerous bills on my own, I'm paying off a brand new car, ON MY OWN, and I depend on not one person in this world to do all of that. Heather, on the other hand, quit her job to go watch over you while you worked, because she didn't trust you, lives with her best friend's parents, doesn't have a car because her license got suspended when she got a DWI, and is addicted to anything you put in front of her stupid ass." "Now, who do you think looks better in your Mother's eyes?"
Past:"You, but not everyone can be as perfect as you are."
Me:"I'm not perfect Josh, and I never said I was. I just realized early on that you can't depend on someone else for everything you need. I work for everything I have, and you have to keep working to acquire more, everyone has to grow up sometime, I just did it before you. When we first got together, your Mother didn't like me, and I didn't like her either, but instead of talking crap about one another like children, we were able to talk openly and honestly about everything. She told me what she wanted me to do and what I could do to earn her respect and approval, and I busted my ass to do that. I got a better job, a new apartment, and out of my mother's house."
Past:" I guess we all need to be more like you."
Me:"Ok, your missing the point. I didn't say everyone had to be like me, I said GROW UP AND QUIT DEPENDING ON EVERYONE ELSE TO BAIL YOUR ASS OUT OF EVERYTHING!"
Past:"I can tell your upset, so I'm getting off the phone for real this time. I'll quit calling you and leave you be with your life."
Me:You'll never leave me be, but I'd appreciate you telling your "girlfriend" or whatever she is, to quit calling me because I don't give a rat's ass about what ya'll are doing now. You don't need my approval to screw up again. Call your Mother, and let her know what your doing now."
Past:"I'm not calling her, you know you'll call her anyway."
Me:"No I'm not, it's not my job to report your every doing to her, and it's too late to call over there anyway." "I will be calling her tomorrow though."

Past:"Fine, ya'll always gang up against me anyway."
Me:"Well when you continue to screw up, someone's got to do it. I'll talk to you later."
Past:"Bye Meghan."
Me:"Bye Past."

**we get off the phone and I think about everything he's done since we've been apart, and I'm truly glad that my name's not attached to it. I don't regret being with him, I regret not getting away a lot sooner.

Friday, December 09, 2005


One of the many perks of my job is that I have to have direct deposit. It's mandatory, it's in the company handbook.....blah blah blah. Well, knowing me any my rebellious self, I just had to go against that. I filled out the paperwork to stop the direct depositing of MY money, so set forth the wheels a turning. Human resources kindly informed me, that it usually takes 2 pay periods to stop the depositing, and I was going to need to write a letter explaining why I didn't want it deposited. After all, it IS company policy, and it IS in the employee handbook, and it IS a big NO NO. I write the letter, take it down to Human resources, then they inform me that the President of our company has to sign off on it. I'm thinking "God, here we go. It's my money, I worked for it, why can't I decide where it goes." I get to his office and....
Me:"Knock, Knock Bob."
Bob:"Hey Meghan, what can I help you with?"
Me:"Human resources chick said that you had to sign off on this."
Bob:"Let me see what you have there."
(I hand him the letter, he reads, he looks up at me....)
Bob:Well, Meghan, are you sure you want to do this?"
Me:"Yes sir, I don't use the account other than to pay one bill."
Bob:"What can I do to stop this?"
Me:(smiling from ear to ear)"You can give me a raise and I'll direct deposit it all day long."

Bob:(he's laughing and grabbing a pen) "No, I'll sign it."
Me(thinking what a tight ass, I know if I was the President of a company and my employees wanted a raise, I'd give it to them) "Thank you."
Bob:"Your welcome, Meghan."
*~* It was well worth a shot, but in the end, I rebelled again and I won!!!! Hoo-Ride for Me!

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Blame It on Mexico.....

When you live in Little Mexico, as I do, sleep and quiet times are few and far between. I've been living in my cozy little apartment for almost a year now. When I first moved in, I loved it. I had no neighbors on either side of me, and the ones below me were hardly ever home. Ever since hurricane Katrina came through, I've been living in Mexican talkin, arguing all night long, heathen ass kids with no apparent bedtimes, and pure Spanish hell. For the last 4 months, I cannot recall one night where I haven't had to call the cops for blaring music, screaming kids at midnight during the week, spousal abuse, you name it, and their doing it. The cops that came out last night for the spousal abuse, arrested the husband. He, for the last 2 and a half hours, had been screaming at the top of his Mexican lungs "NOOOO ELENA!!!" Apparently, she wanted to leave with the kids, and he wouldn't let her. Man, give it up and let the woman go. After the cops left, it was silence for the next 3 minutes. Then my phone rings, and it's Eddie. I love talking to Eddie, he can always calm me down and bring my back to normal, if there is such a thing. Everytime we get off the phone I feel relieved and ready to fall asleep. We talked for about an hour about other people's habits, and doings, and kids, and the usual stuff, then got off the phone so he could get back to work and I could try and get some much needed sleep. I laid down, almost to sleep and I hear "Jesus, take the wheel; take it from my hands, cause I can't do this on my own...." It's my cell phone letting me know that just one more person wants to interrupt my sleep tonight. I answer it, I talk, I hang it up, I call the cat back to bed, because she's jumped up and ran off when the phone scared the bejesus out of both of us, and together we curl up, purring and fall asleep. No dreams tonight, just deep, relaxing sleep. I remember not a another thing until 4:30 this morning when I hear the constant BEEP BEEP BEEP of my alarm clock. Fine, evil sleep-monster, you win another night of this constant battle for sleep. When do I get to sleep again? When can I lay down and fall asleep with no screaming, no cops, no celly ring ring in my ear? I might as well have 4 newborns in the house..........ha yea right. Here starts another day of sleepy working and endless yawning. One of these days I'm going to get that sleep, it's just a matter of time now!!!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Just For Fun, What Are Your Answers?

A: Area Code You Are In Right Now: 97?
B: Birthday: September 29
C: Current Crush: too many
D: Favorite Drink: Monster Energy Drink and Malibu
E: Eating Currently: leftover lasagna
F: Favorite Food: Stuffed Shrimp from Giovanni's
G: Who Do You Go To For Advice: Mom, friends, tarot particular order
H: Happy or Sad: Happy
I: I think: everyone should get away for a while
J: Job: Title Abstractor.
K: Any Kids: nope
L: I Love: sitting on the beach, by myself, and watching the sun go down over the water
M: Favorite Movie: Stephen King's Riding the Bullet
N: Your Phone Number: haha funny
O: One regret: Letting fear and past relationships hold me back
P: Favorite Perfume or Cologne: Victoria Secret's Amber Romance
Q: A Little Quirk About Yourself: I still sleep with a night light
R: Last Road Trip: 13 1/2 hours in the car with 2 dogs, 1 cat, 2 heathen kids, and a nagging mother to San Angelo
S: Tell Us One Secret: I'm afraid of falling completely, and utterly in love
T: Favorite TV Show: Gilmore Girls
U: Color of your Underwear: what underwear?
V: Last Time You Were in Vegas: Never been.
W: Wishful Thinking: Darren home for Christmas
X: X-Rays Taken This Year: None thank god
Y: Your Favorite Year of your Life: My 19th. I spent it in Cancun
Z: Zodiac Sign: Libra

Monday, December 05, 2005

Meghan: Completely Revealed

  • Birth Date: September 29
  • Birth Location: Galveston, Tx
  • Sun Sign: Libra

The Inner You: Your Real Motivation

Harmony and balance are your keynotes. You instinctively understand the need to accommodate other peoples' interests and desires, and you are always fair and willing to meet the other person half way. Tactful, diplomatic, and with considerable social awareness, you do all you can to avoid conflict and discord. You express a spirit of cooperation and compromise and often achieve through charm and discretion what would have been impossible to achieve by a direct, forceful approach.

Mental Interests and Abilities

One of your greatest assests is your ability to see both sides of an issue, and to negotiate and bring about compromise and reconciliation. Tactful, reasonable, and with considerable social finesse, you work well with people in business as well as in personal relationships. You are objective and somewhat detached from emotional bias, and make an excellent consultant, mediator, or public relations person. You insist upon fairness and seek to bring harmony or at least peaceful coexistence between people, and your diplomacy is a benefit in any business situation. You also have a fine aesthetic sensitivities and could work in an artistic or cultural environment.

Old Friends and New Beginnings

In the past 2 weeks, I've gotten 2 calls from friends that I haven't talked to in almost 2 months. When Eddie called last week, at 10:30 on a weekday, I was more than happy to answer the phone. He "saved" me from the horrible, depths of hell of a nightmare that I was having. We talked for about an hour and a half, just catching up on each other's lives and making plans that will probably never see the light of day. Then last night, I was sitting on the couch relaxing after a work out from hell that, by the way kicked my ass, and my phone starts singing the usual "Lemme see if you can run it, run it..." It's Johnathan. He's Eddies' best friend, roommate, and accomplice in crime. I answered the phone and we did the usual "what's been going on", "how are you", catch up bullshit. Now Johnathan is usually very chipper,happy go lucky, always in a good mood. Last night, he sounded like someone had just run over his favorite dog. I asked him what was wrong and kinda ran circles around the question, so I decided not a push it. We talked some more about work, and families, and going out, and then got off the phone so I could get to bed. I'm brushing my teeth and washing my face, and the phone starts singing "Come Monday" by Jimmy Buffet, this is the "text message" ringtone. Who other than Johnathan. He says "It was good to talk to you, stranger." I agree with this, Johnathan was a great friend, and fun to hang out with. We just got tied up in our lives and calling was beyond either of us. Anyhow, we made plans to hang out Tuesday night, so I guess that's what we'll do. Heres to old friends and new beginnings......

Friday, December 02, 2005

If I Was A Pulp Fiction Character.....

I'd Be Honey Bunny..........
It has to be YOUR way. When it isn't, you panic, but hold your ground. You keep your gun pointed and trigger finger ready, but you'd never really hurt anyone. Though you like being tough, feeling control, you often enjoy blending in and being part of the ordinary human race.

Nightmares Come True..............

If you read my post yesterday, you'll know what I mean when I say "what a fucked a dream I had". No, doesn't ring any bells? Well then I suggest you go back and read it. Anywho, I rarely sleep through the night, I can't tell you the last time I slept, didn't dream, and didn't wake up every thirty or fourty five minutes. Sometimes, I wake up, look at the clock, and go right back to sleep. Other times, I wake up, and pace around my house for an hour before I get tired again. Don't ask me why because I don't know. This has been going on for a long time, so I've gotten used to it. I adjust my schedule to fit the nightmares. Well, here recently, in the past couple of years, the nightmares have gotten worse, I'm not sleeping near enough during the week, and the nightmares are coming true. Call it coincedence, or whatever. About a year and a half ago, I had one of these nightmares and in it, I killed myself. No Mom, nothing to worry about. Well, the next day I was awkward feeling, something bad was going to happen. Sure enough, later that night I found out that my uncle had committed suicide. The same way I had in the nightmare. I had another of these dreams the night before last and it came true too. I won't go into details about what happened or to whom, because thats not fair to the family. What in the world is going on here? I believe in psychics, and afterlife, and tarot cards................I know it sounds crazy, but what if?

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Good Cough Medicine = Bad Dreams

In the land of Meghan, I rarely get to bed before 9:00 p.m. during the week. However, on those rare occasions that I do make it in bed before then, I am bound to be jolted from sleep, for some unknown reason. Last night, was anything but an exception. I left work at 3:30 to pick up a friend's daughter from daycare and run a couple of errands before I went home. After all the "rat-killing" as my father calls it, I got home around 6:00 p.m. I was tired, I was hungry, I wasn't feeling well. I resolved myself to pajamas, cajun-chicken salad, and the comfort of my couch. I had taken some cough medicine around 7, so I didn't wake myself up in the middle of the night, and must've fallen asleep on the couch. Well, true to kitty-cat form, Hemp woke me up purring really loud in my ear. I pushed her off, turned off the t.v., and crawled into my bed. Within minutes, I was sound asleep. I'm not sure how long after that the nightmares started. I was having one of those "real dreams", where you can feel yourself in it, and doing everything thats happening, you get the idea. I remember sitting by the pool, I was in an episode of cops, and wearing some god-awful plaid dress. I stood up, because my father,the cop, was telling me that it wasn't safe to be outside anymore. I got it, put on a hideous bright orange jacket complete with orange boa feathers around the neck and sleeves, and walked outside of the pool area. Out of nowhere, three girls appear whom I must've been friends with. Next, I feel myself walking towards the stairs, and talking to the mystery girls. I turn around to see where my father is, and out of the dark, a man appears. The man is dressed in jean, blue jean jacket, and kiss make-up on his face. He is carrying a baseball bat, and a gun. I yell at my dad that he is fixing to shoot us, and feel my heart start pounding and all of the sudden everything goes black and I feel myself get shot, and quit breathing. I woke up, covered in sweat, crying, standing up in the middle of my bed, and talking on the phone. Eddie, thank god for him, must've called and woke me up because I don't remember answering the phone. I just remember getting some apple juice, sitting on the couch, and feeling so relieved that he had called, and
Me:"Eddie, I am so freakin' happy that you called."
Eddie:"Why? Whats wrong?"
Me:"I have having a horrible nightmare!" (and I go on to explain it to him)
Eddie"See, I knew you needed me, so I called."
Me:"Your the fuckin' greatest ever. I love you sooo much right now!"
Eddie"I know you do. How have you been doing, aside from the nightmares of getting killed?"
**we talk for about an hour, just catching up on the latest in each other's lives, because we haven't talked for about a month. After we got off the phone, I crawled back in bed and sent him a text message that said "It was really good to hear from you, you saved me tonight." It wasn't too long after I got back into bed, that I fell into a deep, undisturbed sleep. When I woke up this morning, and all day, I've had this feeling that something is really wrong. I can't figure out what, or who, or's just a feeling of uneasyness, unsure, and something really bad. I've been in a weird, cautious mood all day, like I'm waiting for the sky to fall or something. I thought I had figured it out when I almost got ran over this morning, but that wasn't it. I work in downtown Houston, and people here are a little less than genius drivers. I was crossing the street(the little walk man sign was on) when a man that had just turned the corner slammed his truck into reverse, and came barreling backwards right towards me. I just barely jumped onto the curb when he slammed on his brakes, inches from me. What did the asshole do? Rolled his window down, smiled, and waved; as if to say "Sorry 'bout that"........I have no idea why he was going backwards on a one way street in downtown Houston, but I wasn't sticking around to find out.'s to Eddie and his impeccable timing last night....I love him so freakin' much......

Tuesday, November 29, 2005


This is basically what I feel like today. Kinda just oompa loompa doopin' around.........I need my pajamas, couch, and tv remote and I'll be in Oompa Loompa heaventy doo

Whores Are Stupid........

From: racheal
To: Meghan Lyons
Subject: RE: i dont want bad luck (too late)
Date: Thu, 24 Nov 2005
i know you dont ever want to hear from me but i am sorry to hear what happened to you. and i apologize for ever hurting you. you are a good person and you didnt deserve that. i could never prove to you how sorry i really am. i hope you continue to better youself in all ways including losing him, as much as it may have hurt you are too good for him and you never should have had to deal with any of that crap. once again i really am sorry. if you ever decide to change your mind about giving me another chance at friendship give me a call at (number deleted by blog administrator, for the sake of being the bigger person) i dont expect your but i do hope for it daily. good luck and goodbye

racheal megan mcdaniel

I'd really like to know what you think "happened to me" because I'm sure whatever you've heard isn't the truth. I kicked Josh out 6 months ago because he wouldn't get a job and was addicted to coke. Josh and I are still friends and are on good terms with one another...I still talk to his family and him on a regular basis. I know about the times he cheated on me and we've dealt with that. I'm totally fine with the way things turned out between us and in no way hurt about it. I'd like to hear what you've heard though.
** see, I wasn't near as mean as I could have been....

I was told that he did you really wrong somehow and was addicted to meth. he was supposedly really controlling and cheated on you on a regular basis. you knew about it but he wouldnt let you leave or something well whatever happened i am glad you didnt get hurt from all of it and i wish you the best. i am sorry for all i ever did to you and hope you will forgive me. you will always be one of the best friends i ever had. i am living back at my moms now because the army kicked me out. i spent 5 months in basic training and it made me grow up and realize all i have done. i dont have a phone hear but i usually find a phone to use at some point during the day. if you dont hate me too bad then give me a number and we could atleast talk even if it is just to hear what i have heard although i would rather it be for some type of friendship. e-mail me back if you get the chance. see ya later

racheal megan

He was addicted to meth, he was controlling, he was NOT cheating on me on a regular basis, all though he did cheat on me with YOU, sarah, and another Megan. I have no harsh feelings towards him or anyone else that he associates with. I don't want to drag up everything about josh and I that I have worked so hard for the last 6 months to put behind me. He really hurt me and it still hurts to this day, but I've come a long way in not letting him bother me anymore. I hope you can understand what I mean when I say that there will never be a "friendship" between us again. You represent a part of my life that I try harder and harder everyday to forget. You, Josh, and anyone else that I used to talk to from that crowd are apart of my past, and I don't want to keep bringing it up. I couldn't ever look at you the same way, knowing that you royally fucked me over. I'm doing good now, I have my own house, I have a great job, and a brand new car, and I am very happy, just know that I have no hard feelings towards you or your sister, but I can't be around someone that fucked me over or was associated with the "josh" part of my life. All that is over now, and I don't want to remember it everytime I look at a "friend". Good luck in life and all you do.


** once again, I could have been really really mean! The bitch slept with my boyfriend!

you have only heard one side of the story and this will be the last e-mail if that is what you wish. yes i sleep with josh not while you were together i told him to get back with you. i did not sleep with any of his friends so i am lost on that one. i did kiss chris and i did kiss jd i did not sleep with any of his friends. he broke up with you on his own and that was when we slept together. he said you guys were totally through and after his short comings i told him to get back with you. i dont want anything to do with him. i dont remember what all the rest of that said but i am very for you and your knew life i am glad you could rise above it all. goodbye

racheal megan

so just because she slept with him and he didn't measure up to her whore ass expectations, she sent him back to me, because God knows it was that decision right there that would have made or broke mine and Past's relationship. Who are you kidding bitch? You were just another notch on his belt, at least I got almost 3 years out of him! Ha, you got 2.5 min!

Monday, November 28, 2005

Real Friends Stab You in The Front

In the past couple of months, I find myself trying harder and harder to forget the "Past" part of my life. When I think about the last 2 years, I get sad. I remember everything I gave up, I let go, I pissed away, for someone that I thought would always do the same for me, little did I know that he was just another dead end road paved with pretty lies and broken dreams. I believe I've gone a damn good job of "forgetting", but it never fails; everytime I think I've done my best to let go and forgive, someone comes along and drags it all up again. This time the "someone" was a so-called friend that happened to sleep with Past while we were together. She sends me an e-mail out of the blue apologizing for what she did, and saying shit like "I know you never deserved all that I did to you" and "I know your too good for Josh"....well for someone that fucked me over royally, she sure knows a lot. She goes on to say that she wants us to be friends again and she gives me her number and tells me to call. I, being the bigger person, replied to her message and politely (as polite as I could get talking to someone that slept with my ex) told her that I didn't think we would ever be friends again, and I couldn't be friends with someone that I trusted and they screwed me over. I wished her luck, and told her I hoped she never had to go through what I did with Past. Well, the bitch just doesn't seem to get the point, she e-mailed me again and told me what she "heard" about my and Pasts' relationship:
1.He was addicted to meth/anything you put in front of his nose
2.He was controlling
3.He cheated on me on a regular basis
4. He was abusive both physically and mentally
5. I wasn't allowed out without him

Whoever is telling her this crap, which I'm guessing is Past's friend whom she slept with too, told her mostly true things, other than number 3. Yes, he did cheat on me but it wasn't on a regular basis. I sent her another email and told her that if she wanted to read all the happenings of mine and Pasts' relationship, and get the truth, she could visit my website. Am I wrong for not wanting to be "friends" with someone that slept with my ex while we were very much together, and that I couldn't trust from the beginning? No, didn't think so. I'm very happy with my life now, and she represents a part of my life that I try harder and harder to forget everyday. I don't want to be associated with anyone that I used to hang out with in that crowd and I damn sure don't want to talk to anyone that still associates with Past. I had a run-in with Past last night. He was at my apartment complex, talking to a friend, but strangely parked in front of my house. I was with another friend, who happens to be in the male species. Well, true to "Past form" he got a little hurt and I had all the satisfaction in the world knowing that it was killing him to see me get in some other guys vehicle, laughing, and drive-off. Its times like those when I wish I had a camera. He still has a girlfriend, and I still don't want him back, so he can get off whatever stalker trip he's on and get over himself, because he's really not all he's cracked up to be. I hope when the so called "friend" reads this, she prints it out and shows it to him. How funny is that? Why in hell would I want to be friends with someone like her? She's a lying, manipulative, front-stabbing, homewrecker. I don't blame her entirely for sleeping with him, because it was apparently her life long fantasy, but was it what you always expected? HELL NO!!! haha Past is pretty much "short" if you know what I mean, and I know she got nothing out of it, so really, I could care less. Now, if I can get her to stop e-mailing me, we'll be doing even better than before......

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Meat Saddles and Coke Addicts

We went out last night and I could not have had a more boring time. Every song sang in the Corral was a "sad country love song" and just about every person in that place was falling asleep. I've never yawned so much in my life. We left early and went to the cafe to eat, well I didn't eat. Afterwards we went home and I went to bed. So is the life of a teenage burnout

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

50 Things About Me

  1. I have uneven ears.
  2. I'm deathly afraid of cemetaries.
  3. I still sleep with a night-light.
  4. I want my Mommy when I'm sick.
  5. Sometimes I scream for no reason.
  6. My cat hates me.
  7. My friends think I'm completly nuts, but so are they!
  8. I cried when I moved out on my own.
  9. I write poetry.
  10. My favorite color is pink.
  11. I'm afraid of falling absolutely, completely, and utterly in love.
  12. I hate being alone.
  13. I can cry on command.(comes in handy when dealing with the ex).
  14. I live in complete chaos, because I wouldn't have it any other way.
  15. I'm unpredictable
  16. I'm unstable
  17. I'm a force to be reckoned with
  18. I'm only 5'0
  19. I still fit in my 12 year old brother's shoes
  20. I can't stand my family for more than 30 minutes at a time.
  21. I've fantisized about killing someone with a stilletto shoe.
  22. I still wonder whether God is real or not.
  23. I refuse to believe that the virgin Mary is a "virgin"
  24. I believe in following your dreams(unless they're deadly)
  25. I can't tell you my natural hair color anymore, I have to refer to pictures.
  26. I've been to Cancun
  27. My little brother looks exactly like me
  28. I wish on falling stars
  29. I once laughed so hard I made myself puke
  30. I laugh out loud at random times, for nothing in particular
  31. I'm a self-diagnosed lunatic
  32. I will kill deer, just not any other animal, because anything else is just cruel
  33. I don't have a birthmark
  34. I can mimick any foreigner (especially Chinese, Vietnemese, or any other "ese")
  35. I hate my evil "step-thing" (Dad's new thing)
  36. I get really loud and funny when I'm drinking
  37. I can dance to anything on the radio
  38. My car is a disaster area because I refuse to clean it
  39. My house smells like warm vanilla sugar and cinnamon buns
  40. I smoke all day long
  41. I need music and a notebook to get me out of a bad mood
  42. When I'm sad I eat starbursts and write in my journal
  43. I cry when I feel I've let myself down
  44. I hate my last name
  45. My cell phone is my life-line
  46. I dip Nestle Crunch bars in my hot chocolate
  47. I still drink apple juice every night before bed
  48. My bathroom is done in rubber duckies
  49. I don't have one friend below the age of 23
  50. Before I die, I will visit Paris


such a sweet, sweet little man! If it was my choice, I'd be laying on the couch watching a movie with him, but he decided that Iraq is a lot more important, and fun. What a tangled web we weave..........

Hurray For Stupid People.....

So what if God forgot your grocery money and you can't ever find the right sized plaid, drawstring undies! Life is full of unhappy moments.....put on your big girl panties and deal with it!

Eve Is A Bitch!!!!

  1. Cupid works for the devil.
  2. Be suspicious if ANY man cries.
  3. Sex is usually good, but it ain't always right.
  4. Chocolate is a band-aid no matter what anyone says.
  5. Shoes won't ever stretch.

I need my jammies, a pint of ice cream, a vicodan, and the t.v. remote and I'd be set. I feel like I've been run over by a dump truck and then backed over, just for good measure. PMS IS THE BEST!!! Ha, I should rewind time and beat the hell out of Adam.....see our problems began with me, and I've got a feeling they'll end that way too!

Monday, November 21, 2005

Haunted By My Past

I'm sailing through life, with little turmoil and distraction, when all of the sudden; SCHWACK! The Past returns. After our last falling out, about 3 weeks ago, I'd chosen to be forever rid of him. ::Rewind 3 weeks:: Past calls out of the blue on a Sunday evening;
Me: "Hello"
Past:"Hey You"
Past:"You win, you sneaky little bitch."
Me:"What did you call me? What did I win?"
Past:"You and my mother both are sneaky little bitches, and you win the war, me and Heather broke up."
Me:"What's your point?"
Past:"Isn't that what you wanted?"
Me:"No, I really didn't care either way. I just liked pissing her off, and making your life a living hell like you did to me."
Past:"Where are you?"
Me:"What day is it?"
Past:"Sunday, your at your mothers."

Me:"Ding, Ding, Johnny! Tell 'em what he wins"
Past:"When are you going to your house?"
Me:"Why? You think since ya'll broke up you can run back to me, just like that?"
Past:"You know I love you, and didn't want to be with her."
Me:"We'll talk about this later. I'm on my way home, so meet me there."
*-* To make a long, and repetitive story, really short. He came over, we talked, he "said" he hated her, she was dumb as a box of rocks, and he wasn't going back. I'm very cautious with my feelings, and heart towards him. My heart has been ripped out, walked on, and band-aided back together many, many times in the 2 and a half years "we" were. We've been going back and forth for the last 6 months with each other. My feelings have changed drastically towards Past in the last 2 months. I know now, I don't need him. I never NEEDED him. It wasn't love, it was companionship. I highly doubt myself when it comes to love. I believe nobody on this earth knows the true meaning. I believe you can find that one special person and be with them for the rest of your life and be happy, but love was made up by Hallmark and candy companies for Valentines Day. Anywho.....::Fast forward to last-night:: I get another phone call from, none other than the highly illusive and pesterious Past;
Past:"Hey you."
Me:"Hey yourself,jackass, what do you want this time?"
Past:"What in the hell got into you?"
Me:"Not you!!!" hahahah laughing my ass off at that one!
Past:"I know that. Why the attitude?"
Me:"Everytime I see one of your many phone numbers on my phone, I get the urge to puke and my head starts pounding. My ears turn off, because all I hear are lies, bullshit, and empty promises."
Past:"Sounds like you figured me out."
Me:"A long time ago......where are you calling from now?" Jail? Rehab?"

Past:"No, smartass. I'm at work?"
Me: haha(laughing my ass off again) your funny. Seriously, where are you?"
Past:"Damnit Meghan, why can't you be serious?"
Me:"There is NO serious between you and I any longer. I'm glad to hear you are working, though."
Past:"Thank you."

Me:"How long will this job last?"
Past:"They're saying a couple months, but you know how this goes." I could be home tomorrow."
Me:"I know." "How's the "new thing"?
Past:"You know her name, Meghan, and I don't know how she is because I haven't talked to her yet."
Me:"Such a healthy relationship you have going there. Get in from work and call the ex, before you call the new one." Nice!"
Past:"I'm in Huntsville. Are you going to come up for a weekend?"
(once again, I find this hilariously funny)
Me:"Let me call "her" and I'll see if thats ok with her."
Past:"You always come up and see me, when I'm working."
Me:"Yea, when we were TO-GET-HER, we're not anymore, and no, I'm not coming to see you."
Past:"It's not the same, Meghan. You took care of me. You cooked, cleaned, washed the clothes.
Me:"Well, love is blind and little did I know, you were just another dead end road paved with pretty lies and broken dreams."
(he gets really mad and starts yelling here)

Me:"I want you to lower your voice, and speak to me in a calm, adult manner."
Past:"Ok, I'm sorry."
Me:"I know you are, now apologize!" Ok, Ok.....I'll quit being a smartass. I just find it extremely funny that you are "trying" to get us back together when you have a fucking girlfriend, and have since I kicked your ass out 6 months ago! Your not working on a god-damned thing, other than another dead end relationship." "I refuse to come see you, talk to you, e-mail you, or have anyother form of communication with you until you are single, have had a job for more than 6 months, and live in your own house." "I have no need for someone that works and makes as much as you do and has not a damn thing to show for it. It's all one big circle with you. Work, spend everything you make, get laid off, lay up for a year, work, spend all you have.... are you catching on here?"
Past:"I know, Meghan. I'm trying to do better."
Me:"Well, try harder. I can't help you anymore. I have to go."
Past:"Your really not going to come up here are you?"
(he gets really quiet and all sad sounding)
Me:"No, I'm not."
Past:"Ok, I guess I'll let you go now."
Me:"You need to, it's not healthy to hang on like you have."
Past:"Shut up, you know what I mean."
Me:"Yea, I mean what you know." Past.......I don't even know what to say to you anymore, it hurts me that we're not "us" anymore, but I'm at the point with you now, that I really dont' care if I don't see you again. I know that sounds horrible, but it's the truth. I've never lied to you, and I'm not going to start now."
Past:"Quit calling me that." I know everytime I call you, you get upset and nothing ever works out like I want it to, so I'll hang up now, and that'll be it. I won't bother you anymore. I figured it was worth a shot to ask anyway."
Me:"Ok, be good and maybe we'll see each other sometime."
Past:"Bye Meghan, I love you."
Me:"Bye, Josh."
***I hung up, and just sat there. A big part of me wanted to call him back and tell him I'd be there, but a bigger part of me kept saying "let it go, Meghan, he's just trying to get to you to see if he still has control over you." The weird part was, that voice in my head, sounded a lot like a good friend of mine; Hi, Train! Well, guess what mother fucker, the only control you have over anyone is that tramp ass girlfriend you have!

Friday, November 18, 2005

Life Goes On and On and On and On......

you get the picture. No matter how we live, love, or lose, life continues to go on. We're all the soap in the bottom of the bath tub. We slip and slid around, trying not to get stepped on, we gather a film, kind of a "shell", and the one day someone who loves us more than anything in the world, picks us up and rinses us off. From that day forward, we aren't just soap in the bottom of the bath tub anymore. Granted, we're still being used and abused and left to gather film, but we don't get dropped and forgotten and left to wash down the drain. We're perched on a shelf, and well taken care of, until we wash away and are all used up. By the "used up" time in our lives, most of us are old, gray, and wrinkled. We've done just about all we wanted to in life, and have lots to show for it.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Find 'Em?

In the land of 40 somethings, and medicine to help you remember, somtimes these "pills" don't work. I was at my mother's house last night, doing laundry and the usual Sunday stuff, and everything was going good. I went next door and got a massage (Thanks, Aimee) and then came back to my mom's and proceded to finish my laundry. Well, all is well, until I get ready to leave. I fold the laundry, put it in the hamper, grab my keys and purse and MY cigarettes off the table and head out the door. My oldest brother follows me and tries, to the best of his efforts, to get me to give him some cigarettes and then I pull out of the driveway. Now, when my oldest brother first came in, I had given him one cigarette, and then he thew my pack back on the table next to my mom's purse. When I went outside to smoke, I grabbed my pack, counted them(had 12) not including the one I had just taken out. I had my purse on my shoulder and walked outside to watch the dogs devour a t-bone. I set my pack and purse on the outside table. Remind you, my pack wasn't in my purse. It was simply beside my purse. When I got ready to leave, I put everything in the car and left. I get home and pull into my driveway when my phone rings....
Mom: "Meghan!" "You took my pack of cigarettes!"
Me:"No, I didn't. I have one pack of cigarettes and it has 12 in it."
Mom:"Well, I had just opened my pack and smoked only one out of it."
Me:"Then you would have 19 cigarettes and not the 12 that I have."
Mom:"I know that Meghan. My pack was on the table, beside my purse before you left and now it's not."
Me:"Joey sat my pack beside your purse, you need to look again."
Mom:"Your pack was in your purse....
Me:"Yea, until Joey took it out and then threw the pack on the table beside your purse."
Mom:"Then you have 2 packs of cigarettes."
Me:"No, I'm looking right now, as I'm driving down the road, I only have one pack and it has 12 cigarettes in it."

Mom:"Then I guess mine just got up and walked off....."
Me:"Either that or you lost you want me to drive all the way back to the house to show you that I have ONE pack of cigarettes and it only has 12 in it?"
Mom:"No, I want to know where you put mine."
Me:"I didn't put yours anywhere, I have ONE pack, and have not touched another one.

Mom:"Fine, I guess they just disappeared, click....
--first off, I hate being hung up on. Second, I hate it even worse when it comes from my mother. I can't believe she fuckin' hung up on me! I don't now, nor did I ever have her damn cigarettes. I swear, that woman is gong to be the death of me. All the pills in the world couldn't help her remember shit! Here's to pills, 40-somethings, and finding that ever so illusive pack of cigarettes, may the best hunter win......

My Birthday

September 29

You have the mind of an artist, even if you haven't developed the talent yet.Expressive and aware, you enjoy finding new ways to share your feelings.You often feel like you don't fit in - especially in traditional environments.You have big dreams. The problem is putting those dreams into action.
Your strength: Your vivid imagination
Your weakness: Fear of failure
Your power color: Coral
Your power symbol: Oval
Your power month: November
What'>">What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Friday, November 11, 2005

Days Of Our Lives.......

slowly creep past us, and we continue to wonder what could've been, and what we could've done to make it be. People are far less apt these days to admit wrong doing, lies, infidelity, love, or anything else that could cause hurt. What happened to the easy times when love was easy and everyone got along. Everyday we see t.v. programs, friends, and family go through the motions of hurt and stress. Whether the cause be money, jobs, co-workers, loved ones, or friends. Struggling mentally, physically, and financially has become the "american way" and nothing is ever done to make it better. I know nothing in this world comes easy, but can't we make it a little bit easier? Everyone worries about money, bills, kids, and love. Those 4 things will never be forgotten. No matter age, race, gender, or nationality these worries float around all over the world. Not one person on this earth can say they don't worry about it. You can have all the money in the world and being the loneliest person on this earth. Money doesn't buy happiness. The best things in life might not be free but they sure are cheap. Like sunshine, blue skies, swimming pools and lemonade, your family and your health. If everything in this life was free, nobody would want or need. We wouldn't turn the t.v. on at night and see robbery, murders, kidnappings, or anything else for that matter. Why can't life be as easy as it was when I was 10, playing softball, no boys to be bothered with, and no money worries. I sometimes wish I could go back and do it all over again. I grew up way too fast, and honestly, playing in the adult world isn't as fun or exciting as I thought it would be. I'm stressed, stretched then, and it seems like I'm running out of options quicker than I can think of them. I feel as though I'm the sand in an hourglass and I'm almost out for the count..........oh, if only all the "if onlys" in the world came true......


Fighting tooth and nail to convince someone they are screwing up is not clingy. There has not been anything a marriage cannot bear if two people try. I know she's tried but I can tell she's not "all there" in our relationship. I catch her lying to me every week. Treating me badly is not a a way to save our marriage. If she feels backed in a corner from me trying to convince her to come back it's because she don't want to come back. Don't you think I know that? Do you think that I will listen to you when you betray our marriage? I call her and e-mail her to talk. It's none of your business. When you know everything about us it's because she shares it with a teenager. It makes me sick. You have this imaginary picture of yourself with your insight into the minds of people that is flawed. Love does conquer all... You don't have a clue what you would do if you loved someone as I do and they treated you like that. Good riddance to you and Joel. You are both out of my life forever.

Blog that

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Chunk Muffin: Take 2

The stories of the younger brother continue. It seems, that the baby brother is more like his big sister than he realizes. He's cute, he's little, and he can't, for the life of him, shut his mouth. I'm at Mom's again, when I see another "To the Parents Of" letter on the table. I immediately knew which sibling it was for. My mom says "Don't open it, cause your not blogging it." I, being the good child I am, open it. It seems this time the baby brother was talking crap to the teacher. Here goes:
The letter:"Tyler would not follow instructions, when I told him to sit down and get his work out, instead he started rummaging through the stuff on my desk and ignored me. I told him again to sit down, and he looked at me and said:
Tyler:"Your crazy!"
The Letter:"and then sat down and started working on the sucker.
I shit you not, the write up says: "he sat down and started working on the sucker."
Ok, I'm not sure which or what sucker the teacher is talking about, but knowing my little brother, it's a piece of candy he stole while rummaging through her desk. So, I'm sure tonight I'll have to find out why he was going through her desk and exactly what "sucker" she is talking about. He had ALC (alternative learning center), which is basically in school suspenion, yesterday for the "chunk muffin" comment. I'm sure he'll be back in there again for pilaging the desk and stealing suckers. Jesus, what is this world coming to? I can only imagine what will happen when he gets into high school. Here's to Tyler, may you never realize where you get your attitude and smart mouth from........

Press 1 For Assistance.........

that's the story of my life these days. Somehow I've mangaged to work myself into this big hole of financial debt. Don't ask me how it started or what the hell I did, or didn't do, because I honestly don't know. I worked myself into this, and I will work myself out of it. I am reluctant to accept help from anyone, because I don't like to lean on others for help. I've always been a strong willed and minded person, I will refuse help until the very end. My friends, family, and co-workers didn't help incurring this debt, and they shouldn't have to help me get out of it. All I need from them is a hug, laugh, and an occasional mixed drink from some gentlemen at the bar. By the way guys, thanks! That drink couldn't have come any faster or at a better time. I appreciate all the advice and lecturing and from now on, will think twice about that grande caramel frappuchino that I love so much. Until then, atleast I have toilet paper and shampoo. I will forever be in debt to my Grandpa Charlie. He's helped me beyond belief when he could have just turned his back and told me to suck it up. Just like a good friend of mine once said; "Bills are just bills, you have the rest of your life to pay them off. You have your health and your family, and thats all you need!" Thanks guys, I know you all love me............

Wednesday, November 09, 2005


an offensive term for somebody who is of shorter than average height. I can only imagine the jokes and comments to be left on this one. This concludes today's lesson....tune in tomorrow for more on "What The World Needs to Know"..................

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Chick-Chick Fries and Chunk Muffins

From the minute my baby brother was born, he was doomed to be just like me. The looks, the stature, the witty smart ass attitude. In all his twelve years, I have come a long way in teaching him the trade of "Meghan". He's done a damn good job at catching on and sometimes even surprises the hell out of me when I hear him say something, that I've never even thought of. My mother, god bless her, has done everything in her power to stop this "teaching of the ways". Anyone that knows me, or my family, also knows that we're funny as hell and the biggest bunch of smart-asses that you'll meet. Last night, I stop by my mother's house on my way home from work, and go about fixing hair and make-up(cause I had a hot date), and listening to my brothers agrue over who was the biggest loser. My date called and said that he was home and would leave the door unlocked, so I could get in, and that he was getting in the shower. I told him I'd be over there in a minute. I finish my hair and listen to my oldest brother drill me with 20 questions on where I am going, and am just about to walk out the door. I reach onto the dining room table to get my car keys and cigarettes, when I see it. The dreaded yellow piece of paper from the school....doo doo doo doo.....someone's in trouble. I've always been involved in my little brother and sister's lives, as much as they hate it. I'm quick to tell them when they're fucking up and when they need to put forth some effort in something. I pick up the write up slip and I'm not half way through it, when my little brother runs and locks himself in the bathroom. Now I know he fucked up. I keep reading and find out why he got wrote up. At this point I'm laughing so hard, that I'm crying. I couldn't yell at him right now if I wanted to. Here goes:
Me:"Tyler, unlock the door."
Tyler:"No, what do you want? I'm taking a bath."
Me:"Your not taking a bath, the water isn't running! Open the door."
now mind you, I'm laughing so hard my stomach is hurting and trying to yell at him
Me:"Who did you call a "doughnut chunk muffin?"
Tyler names some kid in his class......
Me:"Why? What did he do?"
Tyler:"He's fat and slow....."
Me(trying to catch my breath) Tyler, you can't call people names."
Tyler:"He's mean to me and he's a fat ass."
Me:"Ok, give me a high-five, cause that shit was pretty funny, but quit calling people names. I'll beat your ass if I hear it again."
Tyler:"Whatever Mae-Mae, your laughing."
Me:"Just because I'm laughing, that doesn't make it right.:

Me:"Alright, I'm leaving. Get your ass in the shower and get your homework done."
Tyler:"Ok, loser." (hehehe)
Me:"I'm not playing with you. I'm calling mom."
Tyler:"Call her, she doesn't scare me."
*-* He's right, Mom, you quit scaring us a long time ago, but everyone knows that I still scare the bejesus out of him.*-* So, I ran towards him really quick, grabbed and shoved him into the shower and turned on the cold water. Now, he has no choice but to take a bath since he's already in there. A little sisterly love never hurt anyone. I get in my car and get to my dates' house and call my's that one

Me:"Mom, is Tyler grounded?"
Mom:"No, why?"
Me:"I read his write up and that shit is funny."
Mom:"Meghan Elise, you better not have laughed at him!"

Me:"I did, and I gave him a high five."
Mom:" All three of you have laughed at him now. He needs to know that he can't act like that and he needs to shut his mouth."

--when she says "all three of you" she's referring to me and my two other siblings--
Me:"You can't be a member of our family and shut your mouth. It just doesn't work." "But you have to give it to him, that was pretty funny." "I haven't even thought of that, and I call everyone "muffin"!
Mom:"Aren't you supposed to be on a date?"
Me:"I'm at his house right now, why?"
Mom:"Then why are you on the phone with me?"
Me:"I don't know. I'll call you later."
Mom" Love you bye."
Me:"Love you bye."

All in all, my family pretty much agrees we're hilarious. The Osbournes don't hold a candle to us, and we're damn proud of it.........

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Out of The Mouths of Babes.....

I love my god-daughter more than anything in this world. I have been there since she was born, and would do anything for her. We've spent countless nights asleep on the couch together with her curled on my chest. I've spent many, many nights with her wrapped in a blanket, in my arms, walking in a circle outside because she liked to see the stars as she fell asleep. She is the greatest thing on earth. Here recently, I've started a new job in Houston and haven't been able to see her as much. I called Jessica (my god-daughter baby mama) to see if I could pick Ashlyne (god daughter) up and take her with me for awhile. Jessica, of course, didn't have a problem with it because she knows that I would never let anything happen to Ashlyne, and she probably needed some time alone. I get to Jessica's house last night, after work, and go inside. Now, since the day Ashlyne was born she has been trained and coached to call me "Aunt Mae-Mae". My family, close-friends, and just about everyone else have called me Mae-Mae since I can remember. When Ashlyne first started talking, she called me "Mae". That was ok with me because we were only one "mae" away from being "mae-mae". Here goes the rest....
Jessica:"Ashlyne, Aunt Mae-Mae is here."
Me:"Why is she being so quiet? She usually runs outside to meet me."
Jessica:"She might be asleep, go check.."
...walking quietly into the little room of Winnie the Pooh that I love so much....
Me:"Hey Punkin, wake up." "You wanna go get some chick-chick fries?"
Ashlyne:"Hey Meggie, I missed you."
Once again, anyone that knows me, knows how much that name repulses me. I get an image of some little rich, snotty looking preppy slut, and it all goes downhill from there. I can not stand to be called that. Jessica is laughing so hard she is crying, and I'm so shocked I have nothing to say.....
Jessica:"I have no clue where she got that. I've always called you Mae Mae in front of her."
Me:"Ashlyne, my name is Aunt Mae Mae."
Ashlyne:"Uh huh, Meggie."
..this goes on for about 20 minutes and I finally give up, because like her mother and god-mother she is stubborn as hell and when she sets her mind on something, it's not changing...I go and put her car seat in my car and we head to McDonalds to get chicken nugget happy meals, or as Ashlyne calls them, "chick-chick fries".....
After waiting in line at the house of childhood horrors, we get back to my apartment and I set Ashlyne at the table and go about cleaning up while she eats. About 10 minutes goes by and I hear...
Ashlyne:"Meggie, ketchup."
Me:"Punkin, my name is Mae-Mae"
Ashlyne:"OK Meggie, ketchup."
Fine, I will give in to her and let her call me whatever she wants because 1)she's two. 2)she's my god-daughter and 3) she's just so damn cute
I sit down to eat with her and she says "Meggie, watch Thomas." She's talking about her Thomas the Tank movie. I figure I can put this movie on, settle her in, and get a good 30 minutes to clean the rest of my house.....WRONG!
Ashlyne:"Meggie, watch Thomas me."
Me:"Baby, I'll watch in a minute. I'm cleaning."
Ashlyne:(with the pouty lip) "pleeeeeease."
Me:"Ok, I'll watch."
So I sit down on the couch and she curls up on my chest, just like she did when she was 6 months old, and we watch Thomas. I came to the sad realization that my life had come to eating happy meals, watching Thomas the Tank, and being called Meggie.......

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Nazi Love Puppet....

is exactly what my next boyfriend will be. Someone that'll let me do anything I want to them and continue to feel the same for Hitler at the same time. Anyone got any ideas?

Valley Of the Dogs

Thats where Past's girlfriend came from. It's on the map somewhere between "white trash bimbo" and "whore".....

Herpes Simplex Three.....

I could make a really bad and tasteless joke including my ex and his new girlfriend, but I'm not going to. For the first time in my life, I am keeping my mouth shut. See...I am growing up! Mommy, WOW! I'm a big kid now...........

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

It's Like Toby Said.......

How do you like me now? Now that I've gotten everything from Josh that I will ever need or want, NOTHING! I'm through with his bullshit "I love yous" and "I miss yous" and the bullshit "we were meant to be together". I've put myself through hell and back in my mind trying to figure out where we went wrong, if I wanted him back, if I needed him back, or if I even had the strenght to do it all again. The answer to all of these questions, is so simple now, FUCK NO. From day one he has done nothing but cause heartache and misery. He's damn good at telling people what they want to hear, I'll give him that, but he's not too smart when it comes to playing his own games. It's pretty damn hard to run back and forth between two women, when they talk to each other and know your every move. Yet, he goes on like he's the smartest thing since sliced bread. Well, I've officially taken myself out of the game. I'm not even riding the bench, I quit. I grabbed all my "gear" and left. I've been putting up with his ass for almost three years now, and I can't do it anymore. I'm tired of the sleepless nights, the never ending phone calls, questioning and blaming myself for his mistakes, letting him still have control over me and my life. For the life of me, I can't remember why I let him have so much control over me. I honestly used to think that I loved him. Now, I'm not sure I even know what love is. I'm not sure anybody does anymore. It's sad how some things, like love, are supposed to be the best thing on earth. Someone to share your life with, the ups and downs and in betweens, and then people get it all wrong and fuck everything up. I don't believe in love, I honestly doubt there is such a thing anymore. "I love you" is supposed to have meaning, feeling, and be an expression of your "love" for that one person, people these days don't know what it is anymore, and say it to anyone that will listen. We often get love and lust confused. I know now, that I didn't love Josh. I was just caught up in the moment. I hope in all his "growing up" that he needs to do, he finds the true meaning of love. That he quits saying it to any girl that will look at him, or let him move in. I don't need him, I never really did. I take the blame for letting myself get caught up in him again, if even for one night, but all in all, I'm more pissed off and disappointed in myself. I knew then, just like I know now, that Josh will never be good for anything. So, from here on out, I'm ridding myself of all things evil: JOSHUA BLAKE SMITH. Past, you are officially off my list of things to "do" or "work on". It's kinda sad that things had to go this way, deep down I think he is a good person........hah who am I kidding. I look at this at one more chapter in my book of life closed. I learned a lot from our relationship, and I will continue to work on those things, just not with him. There is no hope for that boy, he is the spawn of satan. Anyhow, here's to the next mistake and lesson learned.........

Saturday, October 29, 2005


is me. I am Meghan, I am lovemehell, for those of you that didn't know. This is my blog. In case you haven't noticed, my life is one big drama filled episode of The Real World. My ex can't let me be, my job stresses me out to the point of tears, and my personal life does the same. I created this blog because, if there has ever been any thing on this earth that calms me down, its writing. I have at least 10 journals at home, and then my blog. I post damn near everything here. I like to see comments from other people, as well as advice. "Killjoy" recently started posting on here, and if you've read "Cry Pussy" then you've seen his advice. That letter is from my ex, and as said before, I am Meghan. We broke up 6 months ago, and I still don't know how to deal with him. I love him, but do I want him back? No. We would and will never work. Recently I have been talking to Darren. Some know about him, others don't. I like talking to him, he's sweet, he's funny. He's cute. Who knows what will happen, but at this point, I'm not worried about it. I go with the flow. If its meant to happen, it'll flow with me. Anyhow, now that I fill better and need another on and continue to be amazed..............

Friday, October 28, 2005

I Want A Video.....

of three midgets mud wrestling. Some kind of wierd fantasy.

Long Night Drinkin

those three little words sum up the reason for my exsistence. Thanks Mom and Dad, my co-depency and need for booze thank you also.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Cry Pussy

From : Joshua Smith
Sent : Wednesday, October 26, 2005 5:49 AM
To : Meghan
Subject : You and I

It's incredibly difficult for some people to find that one person that will be there until the end, in fact, most people are old in age before they can find some "filler" to spend the rest of their years. It's amazing how small of a speck each and every life really is in the big scheme of things, and yet the little time we have in this life, and the few chances we have to get it right, we still waste a large part of it fighting useless battles and working too hard to acquire things that will have no real value when we die. I want to spend the rest of my life doing whatever makes me happy so that when I leave this world I'll know that I did everything there was in life to do, and that I took every available chance to do what I did right. I believe that despite what a person has done in their past, they have the chance to change their own future. I guess what you need to know is that I'm lucky, I'm lucky to have met you so early in life. I was just visiting a friends house and there YOU were. I could never have known the impact that you would have on my life, or my heart. You are my one TRUE love, and no one before you or after you will ever mean as much to me as you. No One. I really thought I knew what love was, until my ignorance and immature attitude let me walk out of your house. Since then I haven't felt right, I wasn't able to walk away from you like I had everything and everyone else that had gone wrong in my life. I needed you and I still do. You are there in everything I do, even in my dreams. I want you to know that I love You, and I will always love You. Whoever it was that made the plans concerning our lives apparently knew that You and I were to be together. It was not a mistake. Josh

*-*After seeing him last night, and spending much needed time together, as I got in my car to drive home, I did cry. I cried like a little pussy........