Wednesday, April 19, 2006
The Biggest Regret
Do you ever find youself wondering what your life would be like if you could turn back time, or maybe just rewind it a little? More and more lately I find myself doing just that. Daydreaming about how I'd be today, if I'd be the same person, how I'd act...stuff like that; if I could rewind my life 2 and a half years, and start all over. Some things in life, I know are not meant to be figured out, nor are they worth the dwelling on, BUT here in the "Land of the Lollipop Guild" where I live, thats just something I do. Even all the sleeping pills, and anti-depressants in the world couldn't stop me from regretting these past couple of years. I guess its just the feeling of failure, or maybe the never-ending "what might've beens" that keep playing through my head all damn day long. I guess I tend to live in the past a little too often, but its because so much of my life is still there. I've learned some valuable lessons, but not one of them came pain free. The hardest damn thing I've ever done, was to watch him get in that truck and leave me standing there, knowing that there was nothing in my power that I could do to make him turn around....even that day; as I watched him pull onto the road ahead, if he was hurting he hadn't showed it yet. I knew nothing was going to make him turn around, but I would've have settled for a slow down, or even just a slight tap on the brakes. I guess it takes losing something or someone that you love, to realize that even the most precious things in life can be gone in an instant. I find myself looking everyday for the slightest signs that he might miss what he left behind. I guess it was never meant to be and I'm just retarded for hanging on so long. It's not like I dwell on it everyday damn waking moment of my life, there are good days and there are not-so good days. Today seems to be one of those not-so good ones; and I need to learn to stop depending on everyone else to make me happy. I need to learn to live and let go, and to stop worrying about "what might've been", or what I can't change. What's done is done....there is nothing left to say, I guess. Maybe I should just take my damn pills and get the hell over it...I'll let you know how that works out!