Thursday, July 20, 2006

The Philosophical Side of Me

Frome the day we are born we strive, and search for love. The meaning, the value, and the worth. Perhaps love is the most mysterious feeling and emotion that corses through our entire being. The more we try to figure love out, the more we get lost in its mystery. Some people search their entire lives for one special person to share the rest of their life with. In most instances, only a "filler" will do. A filler is someone we care for, and would do most anything for, but settle for in hopes of finding someone better. "I love you," has become the most tossed around phrase in the world. Hearing those three little words can someone the happiest they have ever been. They feel as if they can do anything, knowing that they have the love and support of another human being. True love is the most wanted and sought after emotion in this entire human race. The companionship, the stability, the truth of it all. I sit here trying my hardest to explain the meaning of love, yet I find myself at a loss for words. I have experienced, many times, the loss of love from someone I cared deeply about. The one person in this world that I would do anything for, other than my family, I kicked out a year and two months ago. Am I still dealing with this? Yes. Did he cause more hurt than love? Yes. Did he piss me off so much I ran his head through the wall? Yes. Was it the hardest thing I'd ever done, kicking him out of the house we shared for so long? I don't know. A year ago if you would have asked me these questions, all I would've said was, "I want him back. I want us back." Today, a year of healing and answered questions later, I can say, honestly, I don't want him back. I know while we were together it was fun, it was fast and it was a hell of a way to learn about love. These days, we've gone our seperate way, and I'm thankful to him for those years of learning, and mistakes. Would I have done some things differenty? Yes. I can't sit here and say that I wouldn't never gotten with him, because he taught me a lot about myself, himself, and us. We learned from some pretty stupid mistakes and lost some dear friends along the way. I never want to go through that again. But, today I know I am stronger for having to go through it, and experience all that I've done. A good friend of mine, once said, "Sister, you're almost twenty years old and been through more than I have at 43." Yes, I have. I've seen things most adults have never seen. Other than your average mortuary worker, or paramedic. To an average everyday adult, I've seen more. Am I bragging? No. I never, for the rest of my life, want to go back and re-live those three years with Josh. They were the hardest and most trying times, I'd seen at that point. Will I go through more? Hell yeah. I'm way too wise for my age, and if I had it to do all over again, I'd go back and just be a kid again. I had to grow up way too fast, and be and adult way too early. Do I blame my parents? Not entirely. I'm thankful for their lessons, and teaching me to adapt to grown up situations. At nineteen, I've probably made more life altering decisions than most nineteen year olds. I've made more money than any nineteen year old I know. I've made some pretty stupid decision on my own, and caused a lot of people, irrepairable hurt. Would I change that? No. We are who we are today, from the people we've encountered in the past, and the situations we've learned to deal with. I hate being nineteen, and feeling like I'm thirty. But, at this point I wouldn't have it any other way. I've got someone that loves me more than words can say, and I'm thankful for that each and everyday. Together, we haven't been through a lot, but I know we will. I know we'll come out of it stronger together, than when we went into it. It's kind of nice to know I can depend on him to be the person I need him to be. I no longer have to think for another human being, and make decisions for someone else. Now the only decision I have to make is what to cook for dinner, and what to wear. Last week, I watched my home burn down. That is something most will never see. That is something you're never supposed to do. That is something that you only see on t.v. right? That's what I thought, too. Some little girl decided to light some paper on fire and throw it on the mattress. By the time she woke her parents up, there was only enough time to get everyone out of the house, and wake the neighbors up. As we stood, all of us speechless, and watched our hardwork, belongings, and lives go up in flames, the only thing we could do was cry. The firemen showed up, put the fire out, and walked us each through what was left of our lives. Thankfully, nobody was hurt. A life is something you can't replace. Pictures, furniture, and clothes are. Have I gotten everything replaced? No. Will I? Sure, in time. I was already in the process of moving anyway, and most of my stuff was either boxed up or already moved. I lost my furniture and other personal things, but I have my life. I have a great boyfriend, a beautiful home, and two adorable step-kids. ( I guess you could call them) They are his kids, but since we are together, they might as well be mine too. I'm thankful for the chance to be apart of all of their lives, and Peter never misses a chance to tell me how much he loves me, and how lucky he is to have me in his life. I guess this is what I've been waiting on, or searching for rather. Maybe miracles do happen, and dreams do come true. It just takes a series of unfortunate events, to create the beginning of a worthwhile journey. So, next time what seems to be a series of unfortunate events, look closely, it might just be the beginning of a beautiful adventure and the beginning of another chapter in your life.

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