Thursday, September 08, 2005

Rewinding Time Is Hard

I got a call yesterday from him(Josh). He called me at work, and normally this upsets me because since we parted ways 3 and a half months ago, I have yet to have a phone conversation with him where I have not cried. I was in rare form yesterday and a basically happy mood, we talked about us and everything that was going on in our seperate lives and I didn't cry. There were a couple times when something from the past was brought up, that I could feel my eyes start to burn and my throat tighten, but other than that, I was ok. I'm not sure why I can't seem to control my crying when he is around. Maybe its the constant reminder he brings of how things "used to be" or the feeling in my gut of "what might have been". He loves me still, and I know he does, because he says so everytime we talk. I've gotten e mails from him and we talk regualary on the phone, but I have this constant feeling of regret. I regret the choices I made that night my life basically was turned upside down; June 15,2005. The night my destiny and fate walked out of my door and left me standing there with nothing other than "I love you" to say. I cried so much that night, I didn't think it was possible to stop. Ever since that day, I have kicked myself in the ass repeatedly, numerous times a day. We both agree that we are going to work things out and something, somewhere has got to give. He has a "girlfriend" now, but I know she means nothing to him other than a place to sleep and an occasional piece of ass. If she meant more than that, he would have cut all ties with me a long time ago. We've tried being friends, but have found that we are unable to be in the same room with his girlfriend around because we can't control the way we feel about each other, and everyone that knows me, also knows that I am very vocal, and tend to express whatever I'm feeling, regardless of whos listening and whos feelings I hurt. I don't like him sneaking around and lying to her, but then again, she has no right to take whats rightfully mine. I'm not going to fight with her or compete with her in any way, because I feel that I shouldn't have to. Me and Josh know whats going on and what we have to do to get it there, and we are the only 2 people that need to know. I could give a shit less about what she feels or what she wants. When I saw him yesterday, it was hard for me not to cry. Crying isn't going to bring him home any faster and isn't going to get me what I want, but its hard to see him and not feel some kind of emotion. Everything I have done in the last 2 and a half years, he has been a major part of. I don't know anything else but him. I've tried going out with a couple different guys, but it doesnt feel right. I can't see myself with anyone else but him. I'm not going to wait forever and he doesn't want me to, but I don't feel like I'm wasting my time either. Its only been 3 and a half months, if I can invest 2 and a half years in a relationship, I can wait longer than that to continue it. Especially since I know its worth it and not a waste of time. God, why does this hurt so much? Why do I feel like a part of me is dying? He must intend to come back. All you have to do is look around my house, so much of him remains. He is still a huge factor in everything I do. There has not been one day go by that I don't think about him, wonder what he's doing, or how he is. I miss him like crazy. He's not the only one though. He has a 2 year old son also. Me and his son have bonded just like me and Josh did. Brenton still cries when I leave, and runs to me when I get to his house. I miss him so much, and feel like I've let him down as well. Brenton was 3 months old when me and Josh got together, and everyday since then I've seen him. Josh's mom isn't stupid, she knows Josh just like she knows me, she knows that we'll get back together, she just tired of waiting also. Pretty soon he goes back to work and it'll be Ok from there. If I could rewind time and go back to that night, I'd never have said the things I did and I would have never had to watch him leave. So many things have happened, but none of them are as important as what we're both working on now. All the fights, the problems, it was all unimportant. Where do we go from here? How do I get back to US? Lets be us again...........

2 comments:

AmyLee said...

Quit dwelling on it. If it's meant to be it will happen. Go on with your life. I told you that you would end up marrying this one a week after the two of you broke up anyway. Just have fun, you're only 18. Why worry about marriage and crap anyway? Live you're life for you.

LoveMeHell said...

I'm not worried about marriage, I want back the happiness in my life that left with him.