Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Can You Hear Me.......?

What do you do when you look in the mirror and staring at you is the reason he's not here? What do you say when everything you said before is the reason he left anyway? I have spent the last 4 months of my life, making him look like a total jackass, good for nothing, piece of shit. Now, when I sit back and thing about it, I realize that its not him. He wasn't the evil one, he wasn't the problem, he wasn't anything I said about him. It was me. I had the problem, I made the choices that left me where I am right now. Alone. Scared. Unhappy. All thats left of me, without him, is what I pretend to be; completely together, but all broken up inside. I'm barely hanging on. I feel like at any given moment, or at the drop of a pin, I could break down. I can't control everything I thought I could. I realize I spent the last 6 months of our relationship pushing him away. I thought it was Him. Now, he did have his faults too, nobody's perfect. He did drink too much, stay out too late, and party too hard, and leave me home a lot of the time. But now that I think about it, I would have left me home too. My attitude was terrible. I treated him great, but when we were fighting, I was way wrong. I can't let go of things that happened in the past and ultimately thats what ended us. I kept bringing up things that were over and done with and I told him I forgave him for. He wasn't cheating on me, like I thought he was. I realize that now. He didn't have time too. He was always there. I can never say he wasn't. Anytime I needed him, anthing I wanted, anything I needed. I realize it all now.......now that its too late. Men aren't the only ones with commitment issues, women too have their share. And as I sit here with tears running down my face, I realize nobody on this earth will ever take his place. Nobody could compare to what we shared.

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