I had dinner with Past last night, and from the beginning, it was good. We talked and ate a little and then went back to his Mom's house. But, it never fails, when its time to say goodbye I cry. Its like clock work. Never fails. He asked why I was crying and I told him it was because I finally realized that things will never change. No matter what he says or how many times he tells me he loves me, I will continue to live on my own and he will continue to be the life-sucking leach he is. I knew from the first day he told me that he had "met" someone, that he was never coming back. I cried so hard and so long that day, I felt like a train had hit me. With time, these things have become easier. I'm not feeling as strong as I thought I was, and I'm not sure I'll ever be completely OK with things now. He called after I left and we got into it because I told him about Preston. Preston is the guy I've been talking to on and off since me and Past split up. Past flipped the fuck out, and got really ugly really fast. I told him that I didn't feel bad about Preston and he shouldn't be so damn jealous. Here goes the rest:
Past: "I can't believe that your just now telling me that you've been talking to someone."
Me: "Its really none of your damn business, you've had a girlfriend since two weeks after we broke up, and god knows that you damn sure didn't tell me."
Past: " Bullshit Meghan, you knew good and god damn well that I had a girlfriend, and if you say that you didn't, your lying."
Me: "I don't lie Past, I just don't tell the truth."
Past"What the hell did you just call me?"
Me: "Past, I called you Past, that is what you are and that is what you'll remain."
Past: "What makes you think that? Did I ever say that?"
Me: "You didn't have to say it Past, I KNOW that." "If you ever had any intentions of actually coming back and working this out, you would have done it a long time ago." "I refuse to keep holding myself back and living in "what might have beens" and drowning myself in memories because you want to have your cake and eat it too."
Past:" I told you things would work out in the long run...."
Me:" Well, its been long and I'm tired of running...."
Past:" Will you quit being a smart ass?" "Please....
Me:"No, I refuse to do what you ask of me anymore. You don't do a damn thing I ask of you, and you refuse to accept that fact that your a jack ass and a shitty father...."
(yes, I really told him that...this is where he gets VERY ANGRY and yells REALLY LOUD)
Past:"I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING I FUCKING HAD TO GIVE AND ALL YOU DID WAS BITCH AND COMPLAIN ABOUT IT. I'M TIRED OF YOU MAKING ME FEEL LIKE AN ASSHOLE AND MAKING ME BELIEVE THAT I CONTINUE TO TREAT YOU LIKE SHIT AND PUT YOU THROUGH HELL!
Me:"You do put me through hell......"
Past:"DAMNIT MEGHAN, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LET THINGS WORK OUT? I PROMISED YOU THAT THEY WOULD AND YOU CAN'T SEE THAT, I'M DOING EVERYTHING I CAN"
Me: "Quit yelling at me fucker"
Past: "Fine, I'll quit yelling, but you need to stop crying. I'm trying as hard as I can to do everything that you asked of me, I honestly am."
Me" I didn't ask anything of you. Your the one with empty promises and bullshit excuses for the way things have to be."
Past: "Well, the way I see it, if you feel better enough to talk to Preston, then your apparently better enough to have a relationship with him."
Me:"I'm glad you think you know whats best for me, but then again, you always did, didn't you?"
Past:"I do love you, Penguin."
Me:"I'M NOT A PENGUIN YOU LYING SACK OF SHIT, I'M TIRED OF PLAYING YOUR GAMES, I'M TIRED OF WAITING ON YOU, I'M TIRED OF PUTTING MY LIFE ON HOLD BECAUSE YOU MIGHT DECIDE TO COME BACK ONE DAY...FUCK THAT AND FUCK YOU. YOU AND YOUR DRUG-HEAD WHITE TRASH BIMBO SLUT OF A GIRLFRIEND CAN GO FUCK YOURSELVES. I HATE YOU AND I MEAN IT. DON'T CALL ME BACK AND DON'T CALL ME AT WORK, I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SHIT. I AM IN NO WAY WRONG FOR DOING THE EXACT SAME CORNBREAD FUCKED THING YOU HAVE DONE SINCE I KICKED YOUR LAZY ASS OUT. I WAS STUPID FOR BELIEVING ANYTHING YOU SAID, AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF I LET YOU BOTHER ME OR DISRUPT MY LIFE ANY LONGER. I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO MY MOTHER WHEN SHE TOLD ME YOU WERE A PIECE OF SHIT!!"
Past:"Do you feel better yet?"
Me: "Will you shut the fuck up? Do you not understand how brutally honest I am being. I know that honesty is something you never learned and wouldn't know if it kicked you in the ass, but I believe in it."
Past:"Your so cute when your mad. I know you hate me, but whatever you say, I'll still be here and you'll still love me."
Me:"FUCK OFF JACKASS! LISTEN TO ME AND DO IT VERY CARFULLY, IF YOU EVER, AND I MEAN EVER LOVED ME HALF AS MUCH AS YOU CLAIMED TO: DON'T CALL ME, DON'T COME TO MY HOUSE, DON'T E-MAIL ME AND DAMN SURE DON'T SHOW UP WHEREVE I MAY BE. I USED TO THINK I LOVED YOU, BUT NOW I KNOW FOR SURE THAT YOUR A PIECE OF SHIT AND I DON'T BLAME YOUR MOTHER FOR LEAVING YOUR ASS WHEN YOU WERE 4.
Past: "That was really fucked up, Meghan." I can't believe you just said that. My mother has nothing to do with whats going on with us.
Me:"Yes Past, she does. She has everything to do with it. She's got you so fucked up in the head that you don't know your ass from a hole in the ground. She's the reason you latch on to every woman that will look at you, and she's the reason you can't let go or move on. She has fucked you up beyond repair and I feel sorry for any woman that has to come in contact with you. You will never be able to have a steady relationship, hold a steady job, or take care of your son." You can't say a damn thing about Marquita leaving Brenton, because you did the same damn thing. Yea, you may know where he is, and half ass pretend to care about him, but Brenton would be better off as far away from you as possible, so you don't fuck him up too." I hope like hell you signed the papers for your mother, so you'll never have a chance in hell, in fucking him up too."
Past:"Why do you have to be so damn blunt and rude all the time?"
Me:Quit talking to me like theres not a damn thing wrong! I HATE YOU for what you've done to me, and I HATE YOU for even having to chance to breath still."
Past:"Is this truly what you want? Do you want me to stop all contact?"
Me:"Yes, get the hell out of my life, get out of my head, get out of my heart(start the non-stop crying and sniffling) just stay the hell away from me. If I could have the pleasure of never seeing your ugly mug again, I would enjoy it for the rest of my life."
Past:"Then why are you crying if you hate me so much?"
Me:"Because you have me THAT pissed of and I can't legally put a bullet in your head and save the rest of humanity."
Past:"Hang up the phone then, if its that bad."
Me:"Fine, but remember, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.!"
Past:"Ok Penguin, I'll stay away if thats what will make u happy, because thats all I ever wanted for you. Happiness."
Me:"If I shot you it would give me great pleasure." "Quit calling me a fucking penguin!"
Past:"Sorry Pen.. I mean Meghan."
Past:"I love you."
Me:"Nope, love ain't got shit to with it, you don't know what love is."
Past:"I miss you."
Me:"I hope you miss me everytime you look at that piece of shit ugly girlfriend you have."
Past:"Bye Meghan........oh wait"
Me:"What the fuck do you want?"
Past:"No matter what, I do love you."
Me:"Nice to know, now let me off the phone."
Past:"Nobody is stopping you from hanging it up..."
*-*-And he calls back and I yell at him some more and thats that. Tell me that I don't need him, that it will get better and he was bad for me anyway. Tell me that I won't miss him as much tomorrow or want to see him.....