Monday, November 21, 2005

Haunted By My Past

I'm sailing through life, with little turmoil and distraction, when all of the sudden; SCHWACK! The Past returns. After our last falling out, about 3 weeks ago, I'd chosen to be forever rid of him. ::Rewind 3 weeks:: Past calls out of the blue on a Sunday evening;
Me: "Hello"
Past:"Hey You"
Me:"What?"
Past:"You win, you sneaky little bitch."
Me:"What did you call me? What did I win?"
Past:"You and my mother both are sneaky little bitches, and you win the war, me and Heather broke up."
Me:"What's your point?"
Past:"Isn't that what you wanted?"
Me:"No, I really didn't care either way. I just liked pissing her off, and making your life a living hell like you did to me."
Past:"Where are you?"
Me:"What day is it?"
Past:"Sunday, your at your mothers."

Me:"Ding, Ding, Johnny! Tell 'em what he wins"
Past:"When are you going to your house?"
Me:"Why? You think since ya'll broke up you can run back to me, just like that?"
Past:"You know I love you, and didn't want to be with her."
Me:"We'll talk about this later. I'm on my way home, so meet me there."
*-* To make a long, and repetitive story, really short. He came over, we talked, he "said" he hated her, she was dumb as a box of rocks, and he wasn't going back. I'm very cautious with my feelings, and heart towards him. My heart has been ripped out, walked on, and band-aided back together many, many times in the 2 and a half years "we" were. We've been going back and forth for the last 6 months with each other. My feelings have changed drastically towards Past in the last 2 months. I know now, I don't need him. I never NEEDED him. It wasn't love, it was companionship. I highly doubt myself when it comes to love. I believe nobody on this earth knows the true meaning. I believe you can find that one special person and be with them for the rest of your life and be happy, but love was made up by Hallmark and candy companies for Valentines Day. Anywho.....::Fast forward to last-night:: I get another phone call from, none other than the highly illusive and pesterious Past;
Me:"Hello."
Past:"Hey you."
Me:"Hey yourself,jackass, what do you want this time?"
Past:"What in the hell got into you?"
Me:"Not you!!!" hahahah laughing my ass off at that one!
Past:"I know that. Why the attitude?"
Me:"Everytime I see one of your many phone numbers on my phone, I get the urge to puke and my head starts pounding. My ears turn off, because all I hear are lies, bullshit, and empty promises."
Past:"Sounds like you figured me out."
Me:"A long time ago......where are you calling from now?" Jail? Rehab?"

Past:"No, smartass. I'm at work?"
Me: haha(laughing my ass off again) your funny. Seriously, where are you?"
Past:"Damnit Meghan, why can't you be serious?"
Me:"There is NO serious between you and I any longer. I'm glad to hear you are working, though."
Past:"Thank you."

Me:"How long will this job last?"
Past:"They're saying a couple months, but you know how this goes." I could be home tomorrow."
Me:"I know." "How's the "new thing"?
Past:"You know her name, Meghan, and I don't know how she is because I haven't talked to her yet."
Me:"Such a healthy relationship you have going there. Get in from work and call the ex, before you call the new one." Nice!"
Past:"I'm in Huntsville. Are you going to come up for a weekend?"
(once again, I find this hilariously funny)
Me:"Let me call "her" and I'll see if thats ok with her."
Past:"You always come up and see me, when I'm working."
Me:"Yea, when we were TO-GET-HER, we're not anymore, and no, I'm not coming to see you."
Past:"It's not the same, Meghan. You took care of me. You cooked, cleaned, washed the clothes.
Me:"Well, love is blind and little did I know, you were just another dead end road paved with pretty lies and broken dreams."
(he gets really mad and starts yelling here)

Past:" DAMNIT MEGHAN. ALL I EVER DO IS TRY AND GET US BACK TOGETHER. YOU WANTED ME TO WORK, SO I'M WORKING. YOU WANTED ME TO QUIT DOING DRUGS, SO I QUIT DOING DRUGS. WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT?"
Me:"I want you to lower your voice, and speak to me in a calm, adult manner."
Past:"Ok, I'm sorry."
Me:"I know you are, now apologize!" Ok, Ok.....I'll quit being a smartass. I just find it extremely funny that you are "trying" to get us back together when you have a fucking girlfriend, and have since I kicked your ass out 6 months ago! Your not working on a god-damned thing, other than another dead end relationship." "I refuse to come see you, talk to you, e-mail you, or have anyother form of communication with you until you are single, have had a job for more than 6 months, and live in your own house." "I have no need for someone that works and makes as much as you do and has not a damn thing to show for it. It's all one big circle with you. Work, spend everything you make, get laid off, lay up for a year, work, spend all you have.... are you catching on here?"
Past:"I know, Meghan. I'm trying to do better."
Me:"Well, try harder. I can't help you anymore. I have to go."
Past:"Your really not going to come up here are you?"
(he gets really quiet and all sad sounding)
Me:"No, I'm not."
Past:"Ok, I guess I'll let you go now."
Me:"You need to, it's not healthy to hang on like you have."
Past:"Shut up, you know what I mean."
Me:"Yea, I mean what you know." Past.......I don't even know what to say to you anymore, it hurts me that we're not "us" anymore, but I'm at the point with you now, that I really dont' care if I don't see you again. I know that sounds horrible, but it's the truth. I've never lied to you, and I'm not going to start now."
Past:"Quit calling me that." I know everytime I call you, you get upset and nothing ever works out like I want it to, so I'll hang up now, and that'll be it. I won't bother you anymore. I figured it was worth a shot to ask anyway."
Me:"Ok, be good and maybe we'll see each other sometime."
Past:"Bye Meghan, I love you."
Me:"Bye, Josh."
***I hung up, and just sat there. A big part of me wanted to call him back and tell him I'd be there, but a bigger part of me kept saying "let it go, Meghan, he's just trying to get to you to see if he still has control over you." The weird part was, that voice in my head, sounded a lot like a good friend of mine; Hi, Train! Well, guess what mother fucker, the only control you have over anyone is that tramp ass girlfriend you have!

3 comments:

AmyLee said...

I'm glad to know that Train person has finally had an impact on you. She really seems to know her shit!

HerMom said...

You go girl!! Stay strong and this will get easier every day!! I love you!!

LoveMeHell said...

I love the evilness I posess, I wonder where I get that from?