Tuesday, November 01, 2005

It's Like Toby Said.......

How do you like me now? Now that I've gotten everything from Josh that I will ever need or want, NOTHING! I'm through with his bullshit "I love yous" and "I miss yous" and the bullshit "we were meant to be together". I've put myself through hell and back in my mind trying to figure out where we went wrong, if I wanted him back, if I needed him back, or if I even had the strenght to do it all again. The answer to all of these questions, is so simple now, FUCK NO. From day one he has done nothing but cause heartache and misery. He's damn good at telling people what they want to hear, I'll give him that, but he's not too smart when it comes to playing his own games. It's pretty damn hard to run back and forth between two women, when they talk to each other and know your every move. Yet, he goes on like he's the smartest thing since sliced bread. Well, I've officially taken myself out of the game. I'm not even riding the bench, I quit. I grabbed all my "gear" and left. I've been putting up with his ass for almost three years now, and I can't do it anymore. I'm tired of the sleepless nights, the never ending phone calls, questioning and blaming myself for his mistakes, letting him still have control over me and my life. For the life of me, I can't remember why I let him have so much control over me. I honestly used to think that I loved him. Now, I'm not sure I even know what love is. I'm not sure anybody does anymore. It's sad how some things, like love, are supposed to be the best thing on earth. Someone to share your life with, the ups and downs and in betweens, and then people get it all wrong and fuck everything up. I don't believe in love, I honestly doubt there is such a thing anymore. "I love you" is supposed to have meaning, feeling, and be an expression of your "love" for that one person, people these days don't know what it is anymore, and say it to anyone that will listen. We often get love and lust confused. I know now, that I didn't love Josh. I was just caught up in the moment. I hope in all his "growing up" that he needs to do, he finds the true meaning of love. That he quits saying it to any girl that will look at him, or let him move in. I don't need him, I never really did. I take the blame for letting myself get caught up in him again, if even for one night, but all in all, I'm more pissed off and disappointed in myself. I knew then, just like I know now, that Josh will never be good for anything. So, from here on out, I'm ridding myself of all things evil: JOSHUA BLAKE SMITH. Past, you are officially off my list of things to "do" or "work on". It's kinda sad that things had to go this way, deep down I think he is a good person........hah who am I kidding. I look at this at one more chapter in my book of life closed. I learned a lot from our relationship, and I will continue to work on those things, just not with him. There is no hope for that boy, he is the spawn of satan. Anyhow, here's to the next mistake and lesson learned.........

5 comments:

HerMom said...

I'm so glad you finally realize that you don't NEED him and that you finally see how unhealthy that realationship was. Be strong little buckaroo!! I know you can do this. Oh yeah, who's Darren and when do I get my 9 or 10 grandkids?!! :)

LoveMeHell said...

No GRANDKIDS!!! I refuse to have 9 or 10 of them anyway. Darren is a friend of mine, who thinks I should marry him.

HerMom said...

I think you should marry him too.......and hurry up and give me some grandkids!!

AmyLee said...

Good golly mom! She's only 19, why you wanna go and tie her down already?

Land of Sand said...
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